Below, we’ve rounded up 25 tweets about foreplay after marriage that are as honest as they are hilarious.
*dating foreplay*— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 4, 2020
him: let’s go out on a date. let me hold your car door.
him: i showered
My husband got excited because I bent over and apparently my leggings are worn-in and see through now and welcome to foreplay as a parent.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 22, 2019
Foreplay in your 40s is sending your wife photos of walk-in closets.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 22, 2021
I just got my wife a giant ice coffee from my trip to the outside world so don’t tell me I don’t know a thing or two about foreplay.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 22, 2020
“Tired?”— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 9, 2019
~Married people foreplay
My husband came home and and asked if I wanted to go to Home Goods.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 12, 2020
Is this foreplay?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 19, 2015
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we'd probably do to each other if we weren't so tired and achy.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 9, 2021
My husband surprised me by bringing me back a twice-baked potato stuffed with bacon and onions and cheese and is this foreplay? Because it feels like foreplay.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 1, 2019
Marriage foreplay be like...— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 24, 2020
I just watched my wife finger an ice cube out of the ice dispenser in the freezer door.
...ITS SO FUCKING ON LATER.
You're not really married until doing the dishes counts as foreplay.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2015
My husband booked me an eye-exam and pre-filled all the paperwork for the appointment. Is this some sort of foreplay? Because if it is, it’s working.— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) November 11, 2020
my wife just sang the animal crossing theme song during foreplay so— niki spooples (@nicolaang) April 8, 2020
that’s where we’re at.
Me: Texts husband to come upstairs.— hardpassmama (@KarenGiannina6) March 3, 2020
Husband: Comes up with snacks and a cold drink.
And that's what foreplay looks like after 12 years of marriage.
Just caught husband's eye while the kids weren't looking & mimed fellatio on a SpongeBob Popsicle so there's tonight's foreplay.— Val (@ValeeGrrl) September 6, 2016
You know you've been married for a while when a back scratch counts as foreplay.— Blair 🇨🇦 (@JumpedUpChuck) October 15, 2018
What do you call it when your spouse yells at your child on your behalf? I call it foreplay.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 8, 2020
I just sent my husband a picture of a footlong turd our monstrosity of a cat, birthed. I call this foreplay.— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) August 26, 2021
Rubbing IcyHot on your wife's back is considered foreplay in your forties.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 7, 2020
Married foreplay is texting your spouse while you’re sitting in your toddlers bedroom while she falls asleep, “I hope you took a shower.”— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) September 3, 2019
My husband just enthusiastically shushed me so that he could watch a 10 minute video on making sourdough bread, so yeah, I guess you can say we take part in foreplay.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) April 2, 2021
You know you’re married with kids when having your spouse apply sunscreen to your back counts as foreplay— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) July 6, 2020
Foreplay with kids is my husband sleeping on the floor of our toddlers room for half an hour or so before creaking his way into our room while complaining about his bad back before brushing his teeth and saying, "so, we doing this or what?"— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) August 10, 2019
Yes we are, baby!
When you’re married with children, searching for an all inclusive vacation on Groupon is the hottest foreplay there is.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 2, 2020