Trying to get a good night’s sleep when you’re coupled up is no easy feat.
You have to contend with a whole host of annoying habits and potential sleep disturbances: snoring, loud breathing, blanket-stealing and snoozing the alarm far too many times, just to name a few. Somehow, the spouses of Twitter are able to find the humor in the most irritating of circumstances.
Below, we’ve rounded up 33 hilariously accurate tweets about sharing a bed.
No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your wife’s feet will be when she puts them on your back.— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2019
My husband rolled over and open mouth snored directly into my eyes last night if you’re wondering how we keep the magic alive.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 11, 2019
DATING: can’t wait to see you again— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
Sleeping under separate blankets should have been the marriage advice everybody gave me a year and a half ago.— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 27, 2020
I found the couch blanket on the bed again. My husband must think I’m playing. Three strikes and you’re out, buddy.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) December 4, 2019
Get married and spend the rest of your lives trying to figure out what to do with your arms while you sleep.— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) May 17, 2019
Me: [giving my husband a tutorial on how to put the throw pillows on the bed]— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) July 30, 2019
Him: I don’t want to be an adult anymore
Wife’s traveling so this morning I apologized to her pillow for stealing her blanket— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 16, 2019
Who needs a gym, I can get a full workout trying to wriggle my way under my wife’s weighted blanket for some cuddle time.— Jester D 🐢🧡🌎 (@JustMeTurtle) April 18, 2020
Snoring dog=loving affection— jan (@JJSummertime) February 17, 2019
Snoring husband=seething rage
After 22 years my best marriage advice is don't marry someone who sets his two phones and alarm clock to go off at 5min intervals and then always hits snooze for at least an hour.— 🇺🇸E.🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) September 3, 2018
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes-— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 25, 2019
-the reality that you unknowingly married someone who insists on keeping the keyboard sound on as he texts in bed each night.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.— Betty 🪡🫒 (@BoomBoomBetty) July 7, 2019
If I figure out how to put this duvet cover on by myself this marriage is in serious trouble.— PRESIDENT BIDEN (@MommaUnfiltered) December 9, 2018
Hello did your husband get up at 1:30 am and loudly do the dishes and use kitchen appliances because he couldn’t sleep? Then you might be me and you might be entitled to compensation.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 18, 2021
Shazam’d my wife snoring last night and it came up as Bob Dylan lol.— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 27, 2019
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 26, 2019
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My husband fell asleep without saying goodnight so I woke him up to say “you didn’t say good night to me, that’s bad luck!” In case you’re wondering what being married to me is like— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) January 15, 2019
Marriage is calling 8 inches of a California King size bed “the husband zone.”— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 25, 2019
[lying in bed]— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) March 30, 2020
Me: hope I can get to sleep. so many things running through my head.
Husband: i know. i feel the sa...
Me: huh? hello?
I’m going to meet my husband at the finish line of his 10-mile trail race so I can tell him how I never fell back to sleep after his alarm went off this morning.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 2, 2018
NEWLYWED: what’s mine is yours— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 15, 2017
VETERAN SPOUSE: don’t use my pillow again
Things My Husband Sleeps Through:— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 5, 2019
-The Zombie Apocalypse
Things that Awaken my Husband:
-The mererest whisper of Sex.
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
Sometimes when my husband is sleeping soundly next to me I like to turn his phone's sound on and send him a text asking, "are you awake?".— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) December 19, 2020
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2018
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Edging in marriage is just how much blanket your spouse allows you to have each night.— Betty 🪡🫒 (@BoomBoomBetty) November 2, 2018
Every night my wife wakes me up and whispers the magic words, “You’re sleeping on my pillow, asshole”— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 24, 2020
Me: I can’t fall asleep at night— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 5, 2020
Doctor: Okay, right after you lay down for sleep, ask your wife how her day was and that should fix it
My wife does this really cute thing where she talks in her sleep and tells me how much she loves me.— dADDisms (@Beagz) October 25, 2019
So I always whisper back, “Awesome. We need a bigger TV,” cause inception is real folks.
Me asleep with an imperceptible nose whistle, wife makes me go to the guest room.— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 17, 2019
The dog snores, farts, growls, and drools on the pillow, wife makes him the little spoon.
Wife: let's try something new in bed 😉— Quilliam (@nyquills) June 28, 2019
Me: say no more 😏
*we swap sides and fall asleep immediately*
The husband & I just debated my "excessive" use of throw pillows on our bed, in case you wondered what 19 yrs of marriage looks like.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 20, 2019