Gab, the preferred social media platform of white nationalists and neo-Nazis, is already known as a haven for violent and abhorrent rhetoric. On any given visit, you’re mere clicks away from Holocaust denial, racist propaganda and vile troll campaigns.
But if you want more evidence of Gab users’ extremism, look no further than the dark corner where they share recipes and photos of their home cooking.
There, you’ll find gray and brown matter that is, for reasons unknown, often overly wet, masquerading as food and presented as a cooking lesson to other racists.
Of course, this is Gab, so even the posts under the #Foodie hashtag come with a heaping helping of gross intolerance:
It’s unclear whether photos and advice posts like these will continue to have a home online, as Gab is constantly in and out of money trouble and service provider woes, according to a Southern Poverty Law Center investigation.
Nonetheless, the images of these dishes and recipes ― especially one method for cooking pasta, shared by a prominent Gab user ― can and should be considered culinary crimes against humanity.
With the help of Italian pasta maker and legendary YouTuber Frankie Celenza, I’ve attempted to define and diagnose these abominations, but be warned: You will not unsee these dishes.
Penne Alla Gore
Disgusting. Vulgar. Contemptible. Egregious.
These are words one might reserve for a recipe that flies in the face of our most closely held values and traditions ― The New York Times’ addition of peas to guacamole comes to mind. But they also describe food that was at least worthy of tasting before discarding it.
These words cannot accurately describe the wet crime scene of a penne dish that you see above. Luckily for us, Celenza ― a pro, entrusted to cook alongside the likes of Michelle Obama ― has the words and the courage to decipher what went wrong here.
“It looks like a body that’s been floating in the East River,” he told HuffPost. “The penne look like they’re on the verge of collapsing under their own weight, which is far from al dente.”
But Frankie, you might be saying, this could be a case of poor food photography. Maybe the penne tastes good, Frankie.
Reader, you are wrong. After a tireless investigation, I’ve uncovered the pasta cooking method that this particular user disseminated to the rest of Gab, and the white supremacists using this advice are not going to make passable penne anytime soon:
Yes, that says “add enough olive oil to just get it moist.”
This kind of advice has the potential to radicalize the innocent ― do not be fooled. This is the wrong way to cook pasta.
First, Celenza says, do not add olive oil to your pasta water. Second, for the love of sauce, do not rinse your pasta. That starchy water it’s bathing in is liquid gold.
“First she clogs the pasta’s pores by putting olive oil in the water, because she doesn’t want the pasta to stick to itself (which can easily be solved if you just use, fucking, more water),” Celenza says. “Then, she rinses it, stops the cooking, and prevents the most beautiful thing in pasta making, which is cooking the pasta in the sauce so that the two may become one.”
“Now there will never be a marriage of pasta and sauce,” he adds.
Worst of all, the “777 method” isn’t easier in any way.
“She’s bringing it to a boil, then turning it off and steaming it, then rinsing it, then draining it, then putting it back and adding more olive oil to ‘get it moist’ for some reason,” he said. “It’s an abomination because it prevents the marriage.”
The penne photo is beginning to make the rounds outside of Gab, and has already separated Twitter users from their lunch. But inside Gab, there’s more extremist cuisine. A lot more.
Celenza reviewed several photos of meals posted to Gab, and he scoffed, saying that Gab users — many of whom are neo-Nazis — could benefit by expanding their cultural boundaries in the kitchen.
“Honestly, they should look to the food of Jerusalem,” he said.
That said, you have to see these meals, because we had to:
Mein Kampf Casserole
This user posts anti-Semitic memes to their account, almost exclusively. Their casserole provides us a window into why they are so angry with themselves.
Cabbage With White Custard
It’s not the cabbage that we’re afraid of ― it’s the white cream you’ve rubbed on top, the lighting in your home, and your Islamophobia, that have turned us off.
Celenza said he’d call this “chili at best.” We’d call it shredded cheese in a boat of red sauce, with some pepperoni. It is not “spinach lasagna” by any definition.
You cannot convince us that a crime was not committed here.
Too-Ugly-For-A-Photo Mac ’N Cheese
This user used old, rotting cheese to make mac, mixed it with truffle and cream, and then apparently ate it. The photo was presumably so utterly disgusting that they could not bring themselves to post it ― so instead, here are some flowers from Whole Foods.
Seriously, Why Is Everything Shiny And Wet?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with ham and cheese on a potato. But where is the potato, and why is your cheese wet?
Don’t throw eggs in your pickle jar. Learn to pickle by yourself. It’s easy.