(GALAPÁGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR):
“What the fuck have we ever done to you” stated Galapágos tortoise Eduardo Cortez early Thursday afternoon.
Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell’s disposal of protestors opposing the American Health Care Act (some of which were in wheelchairs) has drawn severe backlash from democrats and fans of not killing humans alike. The bill, which cuts Medicaid and was drafted in secret from the American public, led to an enormous onslaught of insults disparaging the Majority Leader, many of which involves his resemblance to the Galapagos tortoise. This, unsurprisingly, was received poorly by the ancient reptilian species.
“We would never do something as heinous and shameless as propose the AHCA” Eduardo bellowed from his 487 pound shell. “I mean, yeah, you mother fuckers used to eat us in a stew all the time, and we still wouldn’t propose that bill. Did you read that thing? Being a woman is now a preexisting condition!”
The bill may cause up to 15 million people to lose healthcare over the next ten years. Upon finishing gnawing on a head of lettuce, Mr. Cortez continued “It’s just cruel. In all my hundred and fifty years observing American politics, I cannot think of a more blatant example of hurting citizens to appease donors.”
Turkey vultures, which McConnell is also often compared to, were not available for comment.