Welcome to "Game of Moans," the weekly recap of "Game of Thrones" Season 4 that highlights all the moan-worthy, gasp-filled, OMG moments that litter the Seven Kingdoms. In other words, you can get a traditional recap anywhere, so here's all the sex, bloodshed, and WTF moments (the good stuff) that went down this week:
(Spoiler alert for "GoT" Season 4, Episode 8 "The Mountain and The Viper." Warning: Some images below show nudity and very graphic violence.)
We had to wait two whole weeks for "Game of Thrones" to return, but it was definitely worth it. "The Mountain and The Viper" delivered one of the best duels the series has ever seen, and it was so horrific you probably weren't be able to sleep afterwards.
The Don't-Mess-With-A-Wilding Moan
Ygritte may be a woman, but she's as fierce as any Wildling when the thirst for blood is high. That brothel girl sure learned that quickly when she got a spear through her chest. But just when you think Ygritte is a ruthless killer to the bone, a tad bit of motherly compassion spills through when she lets Gilly and little Sam Jr. live. Ygritte, or shall we call her the Westeros Black Mamba?
The Sneak-A-Peek Moan
Grey Worm may not have his stones and/or pillar, but that doesn't mean a gorgeous naked woman doesn't catch his eye. And hey dude, you're not fooling anyone. Missandei knows exactly what you're looking at. Try taking a tip out of Littlefinger's creeper book.
The Don't-Trust-Anybody Moan
The poor ironborn at Moat Cailin fell for Reek's impression of Theon (and what a great performance that was, up until he nearly lost it). Ramsay trampled through and slaughtered everyone in his typical gruesome fashion.
The GO-OBERYN! Moan
Everyone except Cersei and Tywin was rooting for Oberyn in this tense duel. The Viper is certainly a skilled fighter (or shall I say dancer, since those moves looked more like ice dancing with a spear) as he dodged and ducked the Mountain for most of the fight. It was quiet a spectacle to watch and the moment Oberyn knocked down Gregor Clegane was one of the most victorious of the season.
But then there was that moment, the moment we know all too well from movies and TV when the hero almost brings the villain to his death, but decides to boast for a minute. And then ...
The Oh-No-No-NO!!!! Moan
... it was Oberyn's downfall. A winning fighter can't be an emotional fighter, and the Dorne charmer let his emotions get the best of him. Once The Mountain knocked him down it was clearly the end. But he didn't just break the poor guy's neck or slice his throat -- he gave him the absolute grisliest, most horrific, most stomach-turning death we've ever seen on the series, and possibly all of TV (including the nightmare-inducing "Hannibal" deaths). Merely shoving Oberyn's eyes into his head wasn't enough -- he had to squeeze his head until it literally exploded. Nasty. Horrifying. So, so depressing.
- Next time you play Guess That Tune, try tricking your friends with a Westeros song.
- Finally Missandei is getting more lines and not just translating!
- The only way to survive in these parts is to join the powerful, and Sansa has definitely learned a thing or two since Season 1. But damn girl, I did not see that change coming. *Slow clap*
- ... But then again, that got way creepy way fast between Littlefinger and Sansa. He's giving such creepy pedophile vibes and her cleavage in that Maleficent-esque dress are not helping.
- Hey Jorah, if you're going to lie to and betray anyone, make sure it's not the most powerful woman in the Seven Kingdoms, as well as the woman you love. She will kick you to the curb.
SnowBolton just got way too big of an ego boost.
- WILL ARYA AND SANSA FINALLY MEET UP?! WHEN, WHEN, WHEN?
- "Every Type Of Death Ever," a new book from Tyrion Lannister featuring a new addition: "cousincide."
- Jaime was seriously enjoying the hell out of that fight. He looked like he was watching the damn Super Bowl. All he needed was a bowl of popcorn in that big metal hand.
- Pedro Pascal, you will truly be missed.
- Dear "GoT" directors and writers: Can you please, please stop torturing us with these traumatic ending shots of Tyrion's fear-filled face? They are heartbreaking and I can't take it anymore.
"Game of Thrones" airs on Sundays at 9 p.m. EDT on HBO.