'Game Of Thrones' Season 4, Episode 1 Recap: 'Two Swords'

Welcome to "Game of Moans," the weekly recap of "Game of Thrones" Season 4 that highlights all the moan-worthy, gasp-filled, OMG moments that litter the Seven Kingdoms. In other words, you can get a traditional recap anywhere, so here's all the sex, bloodshed, and WTF moments (the good stuff) that went down this week:

Sunday, April 6, was the highly-anticipated Season 4 premiere of "Game of Thrones," and it was perfect. There was some almost-sex, a little bloodshed, and then finally at the end a lot of blood.

The What-A-Tease Moans:

The new guy just arrived and he's already at the brothel.
The Season 4 premiere welcomed a new face to King's Landing as Prince Oberyn Martell waltzed in for the Royal Wedding in place of his sick brother Prince Doran. Oberyn didn't waste one second and went straight to Littlefinger's brothel to pick out a variety of sexual partners. First, he lets his "paramour" Ellaria Sand pick out a lady of her liking (a man who accepts his woman's sexuality? Okay, we like this dude). But then something even more unexpected happens when Oberyn picks out a blonde boy for himself.

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It's about to turn into an orgy when Oberyn gets distracted by some hatin' Lannisters. He rushes out to taunt them, stabs one in the hand (ow), and immediately turns to ardently kiss Ellaria. "Game of Thrones" just loves to tease us, flaunting some skin and shedding a little blood only to end it so suddenly -- but just wait.

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Jaime gets rejected by Cersei
Jaime's finally back and ready to make some passionate incestuous love with Cersei, but as soon as he goes in for the kiss she shoots him down. You'd think one missing hand wouldn't be a big game changer (hey, at least he's not a eunuch), but apparently for Cersei it is. She tells him he's "too late" and is super pissy over him leaving her (as if being chained down as a prisoner was actually his choice). Poor Jaime looks heartbroken and we're actually feeling pretty bad for the guy.

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Tyrion rejects Shae
This episode is full of rejections and almost-sexual opportunities. Shae is so desperate for Tyrion's love, but he's worried that their relationship will get her killed so he resists her completely. She even shoves his hand under her dress (something Tyrion would never refuse) and he still walks away. We know he's just trying to save her, but damn, that just sucks for Shae.

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The Hell Yeah Moan:

The Hound & Arya's tavern fight
Can you say badass?! This scene escalated so quickly and got gory so fast that we had to run it back and watch it again. The Hound is clearly the boss of Westeros, as he not only fights off the guy on top of him, but jams his face into his own sword, multiple times!

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Then Arya gets the bloodiest revenge on Polliver, the jerk who stole Needle, recites what he said to her when he took it, and, of course, sticks him with the pointy end. It's beautiful.

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Some thoughts:

  • The pacing of this episode was fantastic, jumping between characters and storylines at just the right speed without lingering too long on any. We got to catch up with everyone important just enough.
  • As if chopping Ned's head off with his own sword wasn't horrible enough, Tywin melts the sword for the Lannisters' use. There should be some kind of serious law against that.
  • Dany's dragons are getting huge and rather out of control. We're a little nervous for her.

"Game of Thrones" airs on HBO on Sundays at 9 p.m. EDT.

"Game Of Thrones"