Attention gay men: You need to vote on November 4. Here are a few campaign highlights as a Gay Man's Guide to the 2014 Elections, because pundits don't know how to explain how important this election is in "gay man's terms." Meet your ballot box divas:
Call them the Sugarbaker Sisters because November 4 will be the night the lights go out in Georgia if the dynamic duo Michelle Nunn (D) and state Sen. Jason Carter (D) win their respective elections for US Senate and Governor in this southern red state. Set the baton on fire and get ready!
Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley (D) is the Kelly Rowland of this election. It's hard to live in the shadow of US Sen. Elizabeyoncé Warren (D), but hopefully she gets her Motivation to Work her Commander strut, otherwise she better be Down for Whatever if Charlie Baker (R) wins in November.
Imagine if Barbra and Cher went on tour together, because that would be the kind of powerhouse duo you have on the Colorado ballot with US Sen. Mark Udall (D) and Gov. John Hickenlooper (D). While it's unclear if they have as many drag followers, both are equality champions so let's not rain on their parade on Tuesday.
Connecticut Gov. Dan Malloy (D) is the Kylie Minogue of this election. We love him for so many reasons. He made Obamacare "go platinum" and raised the minimum wage to the highest in the country (but not as high as in Australia). And yet he can't get a big break even though it should be Love at First Sight.
The Wizard of Oz analogy writes itself in Kansas. Greg Orman (I) and state Rep. Paul Davis (D) are traveling down the yellow brick road together to take down the anti-gay witches of the east and west - US Sen. Pat Roberts (R) and Gov. Sam Brownback (R). Let's don our ruby slippers and get out to vote in a week!
If Iowans threw a party and invited everyone they knew, a win for US. Rep. Bruce Braley (D) would be the biggest gift for the DNC - and the card attached would say, thank you for being a Dem.
US Senators Mark Begich (D) and Mark Pryor (D) are like Alaskan and Arkansan versions of Britney and Christina. You don't know if Tuesday night is going to produce a total mess or a chart topper.
Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis' (D) run for governor is like NPH hosting the Tony Awards - she is setting a higher bar and inspiring a new generation of voters to tune in. She's the best we've had in decades!
Despite more than $26 million in ads attacking North Carolina's Dream Girl, US Sen. Kay Hagan (D) is telling you she's not going. And you, and you, and you, you better vote for her!
You know that reaction Anderson Cooper makes each time he has Ann Coulter on his show? This same WTF feeling is what openly gay Congressman Mike Michaud (D) must feel as he tries to make history by defeating eccentric Maine Gov. Paul LePage (R). My money is on the silver fox.
If the US Senate were The Voice, Kentucky Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes (D) would definitely be Gwen Stefani as she attempts to steal away Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell's senate seat. Oh yes she did just slap that button!
Wisconsin's Mary Burke (D) is the Kelly Clarkson of this election. She's down-to-earth, drama-free, and talented enough to win the whole thing. I wish text-to-vote was an option on Tuesday!
New Hampshire is all about girl power this cycle. Women currently hold all statewide and federal positions, which has Gov. Maggie Hassan (D) and US Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D) telling voters what they want, what they really, really want. If you wanna get them re-elected, you gotta get to the polls. Zigazig ha!
I will let you play the Sex and the City game to decide who would be the Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda of the openly LGBT members of Congress up in November: David Cicilline, Sean Patrick Maloney, Mark Pocan, Jared Polis, Kyrsten Sinema, and Mark Takano.
And as Madonna reminds us, it makes no difference if you're black or white, if you're a boy or a girl. Just make sure to get out and vote on November 4! Let your body go to the polls. You know you can do it!