Saturday, August 20. Lance Armstrong joined George W. Bush for a 17-mile bike ride on Bush's Crawford estate. The following is an excerpt of their conversation.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Do you like riding bikes, Stretch?
LANCE ARMSTRONG: I do. In fact, I won the Tour de France seven--
BUSH: That's Tour De Freedom. Hey Stretch! Guess what?
LANCE: What's that, Mr. President?
BUSH: My ranch is 1,600 acres. We can ride for 17 miles without leaving my property.
LANCE: That's amazing.
BUSH: You betcha. Check it out: I could give away 600 acres to homeless people and I'd still own 1,000 acres of land.
LANCE: Okay.
BUSH: But I wouldn't give away an inch. See, my advisers made it so that I can own a 1,600 acre multi-million dollar estate and still seem like a man of the people. 'Sides, homeless people are mostly insaners.
LANCE: They are?
BUSH: They are what?
LANCE: You just called homeless people "insaners".
KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: Abort! Abort! Change the subject! The yellow rubberbands, go!
BUSH: Last year, my opponent Senator Lost-In-A-Landslide wore one of your yellow rubberbands. I hope you don't mind that I don't wear one.
LANCE: They're actually bracelets for--
BUSH: Too faggy.
LANCE: What?!
KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: NO! Deneuralyser, now!
(President Bush brandishes a "Men in Black" deneuralyser and flashes it in Lance Armstrong's face.)
BUSH: Hey Stretch, you know what the nickname for my bike is? I call it "Stretch". What's your bike called?
LANCE: It hadn't occurred to me, Mr. President. I, um, I suppose I can call it "Bikey".
BUSH: Damn. That's a good one. Regime change! My bike is now called "Bikey"! And you're starting to pass me. Step off, Stretch.
LANCE: Sorry, Mr. President. I forgot the rule.
BUSH: Speaking of rules, you know what rules? Vacations.
LANCE: I can tell.
BUSH: Let me ask you something, Stretch. What do you think of that woman down there.
KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: Cindy Sheehan. Son is named Casey. And she's not there right now.
LANCE: Cindy Sheehan?
BUSH: She went home. I scared her away with my steadfastness and invisible six-shooters.
LANCE: You -- I thought she... I read this morning she's coming back.
BUSH: She is? I know that. She's a flip-flopper.
LANCE: Uh, yeah. Forgive me for changing the subject, but I wanted to talk with you about cancer research.
BUSH: Stem cell research? That's a challenging subject. Hard work. I've talked to a lot of experts who I've nicknamed "Stretch". The various Stretches tell me there's plenty of cells without using babies.
LANCE: I wanted to discuss cancer research, not stem cells. But now that you mention it, they're not babies, they're mainly single-celled embryos earmarked for disposal.
BUSH: Hey -- you know who Professor Stretch, M.D. is?
LANCE: Who?
BUSH: Not you. I met with the experts.
LANCE: What did they tell you?
BUSH: They told me that killing babies is a sin.
LANCE: The scientific community told you that?
BUSH: Dr. James Dobson told me. And he's a doctor. He also told me how to determine whether my daughters are gay.
LANCE: Back to cancer research, I--
BUSH: Back to what I say we're back to, and I say we're back to "you're not an expert, you ride bikes in France".
LANCE: But I'm an advocate for--
BUSH: You know what my helmet's called?
LANCE: Is it called "Stretch"?
BUSH: Nope. I call it my "thinking cap". And I'm thinking you're not an expert. You know what I call your shorts?
LANCE: Smartypants?
BUSH: I call them "Smartypants". Get back to me when you become a doctor and an evangelical. Then we'll talk. And even then, we'll make sure you say some things I want to hear. Ya' hear?
LANCE: All due respect, Mr. President, I just wanted to have a discussion--
BUSH: I know that. You want to make accusations against the president. And it's my job not to listen to accusations against the president.
LANCE: But I wasn't accusing you of anything.
BUSH: Hey Stretch! Race me to acre 1,286?
LANCE: Um. Sure. Okay. But you'll win.
BUSH: Bingo! That's what I wanted to hear. Good boy.
LANCE: Thank you, Mr. President.