George and Lance: A Conversation

Saturday, August 20. Lance Armstrong joined George W. Bush for a 17-mile bike ride on Bush's Crawford estate. The following is an excerpt of their conversation.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Do you like riding bikes, Stretch?

LANCE ARMSTRONG: I do. In fact, I won the Tour de France seven--

BUSH: That's Tour De Freedom. Hey Stretch! Guess what?

LANCE: What's that, Mr. President?

BUSH: My ranch is 1,600 acres. We can ride for 17 miles without leaving my property.

LANCE: That's amazing.

BUSH: You betcha. Check it out: I could give away 600 acres to homeless people and I'd still own 1,000 acres of land.

LANCE: Okay.

BUSH: But I wouldn't give away an inch. See, my advisers made it so that I can own a 1,600 acre multi-million dollar estate and still seem like a man of the people. 'Sides, homeless people are mostly insaners.

LANCE: They are?

BUSH: They are what?

LANCE: You just called homeless people "insaners".

KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: Abort! Abort! Change the subject! The yellow rubberbands, go!

BUSH: Last year, my opponent Senator Lost-In-A-Landslide wore one of your yellow rubberbands. I hope you don't mind that I don't wear one.

LANCE: They're actually bracelets for--

BUSH: Too faggy.

LANCE: What?!

KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: NO! Deneuralyser, now!

(President Bush brandishes a "Men in Black" deneuralyser and flashes it in Lance Armstrong's face.)

BUSH: Hey Stretch, you know what the nickname for my bike is? I call it "Stretch". What's your bike called?

LANCE: It hadn't occurred to me, Mr. President. I, um, I suppose I can call it "Bikey".

BUSH: Damn. That's a good one. Regime change! My bike is now called "Bikey"! And you're starting to pass me. Step off, Stretch.

bush-and-lance1.jpgLANCE: Sorry, Mr. President. I forgot the rule.

BUSH: Speaking of rules, you know what rules? Vacations.

LANCE: I can tell.

BUSH: Let me ask you something, Stretch. What do you think of that woman down there.

KARL ROVE VIA EARPIECE: Cindy Sheehan. Son is named Casey. And she's not there right now.

LANCE: Cindy Sheehan?

BUSH: She went home. I scared her away with my steadfastness and invisible six-shooters.

LANCE: You -- I thought she... I read this morning she's coming back.

BUSH: She is? I know that. She's a flip-flopper.

LANCE: Uh, yeah. Forgive me for changing the subject, but I wanted to talk with you about cancer research.

BUSH: Stem cell research? That's a challenging subject. Hard work. I've talked to a lot of experts who I've nicknamed "Stretch". The various Stretches tell me there's plenty of cells without using babies.

LANCE: I wanted to discuss cancer research, not stem cells. But now that you mention it, they're not babies, they're mainly single-celled embryos earmarked for disposal.

BUSH: Hey -- you know who Professor Stretch, M.D. is?


BUSH: Not you. I met with the experts.

LANCE: What did they tell you?

BUSH: They told me that killing babies is a sin.

LANCE: The scientific community told you that?

BUSH: Dr. James Dobson told me. And he's a doctor. He also told me how to determine whether my daughters are gay.

LANCE: Back to cancer research, I--

BUSH: Back to what I say we're back to, and I say we're back to "you're not an expert, you ride bikes in France".

LANCE: But I'm an advocate for--

BUSH: You know what my helmet's called?

LANCE: Is it called "Stretch"?

BUSH: Nope. I call it my "thinking cap". And I'm thinking you're not an expert. You know what I call your shorts?

LANCE: Smartypants?

BUSH: I call them "Smartypants". Get back to me when you become a doctor and an evangelical. Then we'll talk. And even then, we'll make sure you say some things I want to hear. Ya' hear?

LANCE: All due respect, Mr. President, I just wanted to have a discussion--

BUSH: I know that. You want to make accusations against the president. And it's my job not to listen to accusations against the president.

LANCE: But I wasn't accusing you of anything.

BUSH: Hey Stretch! Race me to acre 1,286?

LANCE: Um. Sure. Okay. But you'll win.

BUSH: Bingo! That's what I wanted to hear. Good boy.

LANCE: Thank you, Mr. President.