Note: This piece is a work of satire.
Trump administration unveils the ‘Fetal Fourteenth Amendment’ — Daily Kos, October 12, 2017
To: Jim, White House Publications Office (by super secret pouch)
From: Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader
In re: The Amendments to the Constitution of the United States of America
Jim:
In addition to the changes in the 14th Amendment (below), please make the following other changes (all noted in italics) and send the updated version back to me for smug approval. More to follow.
The Constitutional Amendments (Revised)
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof especially when it manifests as a refusal to serve cakes to gays or provide birth control for women as part of a health insurance packet; or abridging guaranteeing the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the right people peaceably to assemble with guns if desired, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances though not to expect any meaningful response.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effect, against unreasonable searches and seizure, shall not be violated at least not all the time and this doesn’t include the internet, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause supported by Oath or affirmation or perceived non-whiteness, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized or not.
Amendment XIV
Section 1: All unborn persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside are unborn. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of unborn citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any unborn person of life, liberty or property without due process of law; nor deny to any unborn person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. After they are born, it is a different story altogether.
Amendment XV
Section 1: The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be overtly denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude but only by party affiliation.
Section 2: The Congress shall have the power to enforce or ignore this article by appropriate legislation as necessary.
And prepare this, while you’re at it, Jim. This is not a “go” yet but it can’t hurt to have it ready and waiting: it’s looking as if we might need to deploy it rather suddenly 😊:
Amendment XXV
Section 1) In case of the removal of the President from office or of his death or resignation, the Vice President Senate Majority Leader shall become President.
Mitch
PS Listen Jim, if Mike calls you with what he will claim to be “authorized changes” in this last item, don’t believe him and, more importantly, don’t make them. Oh and let me know if this happens. I can help you. Your loyalty will not go unrewarded. Remember that there are many cabinet positions – and possibly even a Supreme Court seat –that could benefit from the political and judicial inexperience of a typographer such as yourself.