Each week, Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence stops by to deliver sage advice to his readers, delving deep in to the wellspring of knowledge that a career in public service has granted him. You can catch up with his most recent column here!
Mike:
I'm afraid my husband may be cheating on me. His libido has all but disappeared, and he's "working" on his usual days off almost every week now. Part of me wants to follow him, but I worry that this would be a violation of trust since I don't know for certain that anything is going on. How can I tell if my partner is still faithful to me without seeming like I am the one with all the issues?
Sincerely,
Nervous in Nevada
Dear Nervous,
When I think about faithfulness, what I most certainly do not think of is the foreign policy of the Obama administration, which will simply be carried out in perpetuity should Hillary Clinton get elected to President of the United States. I would tell you, your husband, or any husband in America that Donald Trump is the only option for remaining faithful to the beliefs and ideals of this great country, and defeating our ever-mounting opposition, both at home and abroad.
-MP
Mr. Pence:
My son has become extremely withdrawn, and his grades are beginning to suffer. He never comes out of his room, never eats dinner with the family, and seems so angry all the time. His father thinks he's just going through a teenager phase and that he'll grow out of it soon enough, but I'm concerned that drugs may be involved, and don't want him to damage his academic future while he figures everything out. Is there a gentle way to approach a young person in this situation?
Regards,
Mother Hen in Maryland
Mother Hen,
Drugs are a very real problem in America today. Opium is one of the primary exports of Afghanistan, and ISIS cartels continue to fund their extremist activities with the proceeds from the sale of these narcotics. Narcotics largely brought in to this country by poorly vetted refugees and illegals that the current administration has done nothing to stop, and may in fact embrace. If elected, Donald Trump will do everything in his power to shore up our borders, prevent the influx of these undesirables, and make sure that everyone who comes in to this country, does it the right way.
-MP
Mr. Vice President (I hope!),
My whole life I've had an adversarial relationship with food. It's never developed in to a full blown eating disorder, but I worry that, as I get older and my self-esteem regarding my body image flags a little, I may begin to go down a very dark path. With the imagery in the mainstream media these days regarding the expectations placed on women and their bodies, it's getting harder every day to stay afloat and feel good and confident about myself. Do you have any advice on how I can maintain a positive self body image? How do you stay so confident in your daily life?
Thanks,
Worried in Wisconsin
Worried,
The mainstream media is indeed not to be trusted. Their full coverage blitz as an arm of the Democratic National Committee and a surrogate of the Clinton campaign itself undermines free and fair journalism, and seeks to unfairly sway the results of this election. Mr. Trump continues to express remorse for his actions, and asks the American people for their forgiveness of transgressions that occurred a long time ago, and are being blown out of proportion by a liberal media frenzy bent on carrying forward their own agenda and seeing Hillary Clinton elected to the White House. You are absolutely vindicated in your misgivings toward them.
-MP
Mike,
I'm running this campaign, it's such a terrific campaign, probably the best campaign you've ever seen. And all the haters and losers are really mad, because I'm doing such a terrific job, and I've got all the best ideas. My ideas are so good, people are always telling me how good my ideas are. But these losers, they're so stupid, they can't see how much better my ideas are than my crooked opponent. I just tell it like it is, I've never lied, but these people, they're so weak, they can't see how good that is. How do I win an election where even though I use all the best words and have such good ideas, it's ridiculous, but everyone's too stupid to vote for me?
Stumped in Stump Tower
Stumped,
That's an excellent question. Hey, maybe if you have someone experienced and trustworthy near you, you can just shut up for five minutes and let them translate to the American people for you. Or maybe you can deactivate your Twitter account. Or maybe you can actually listen to the strategists you've surrounded yourself with and are paying top dollar for. Provided you actually intend on paying them, of course. Or maybe you should accept that the things that come of your mouth maybe aren't so great all the time. Have you ever considered that? Have you?! Have you stopped to think about what kind of damage you may be doing to the political careers of those who have yoked themselves to you, when they were initially promised that you could be contained or controlled once the candidacy was yours?! HAVE YOU STOPPED TO THINK, FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE, THAT MAYBE YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KEEPS FU--
This has been Getting Pence-ive: Advice from the Desk of Mike Pence. We thank you for your continued patronage. Remember to watch this space tomorrow, when we bring you Gary Johnson's Geography Bowl!