A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. This slogan from decades ago followed me from jetlagged sleep into wakefulness. While I'd never purchased that particular t-shirt, I admit subscribing to it. I have armored myself with self-sufficiency for so long I have almost forgotten my need for a man. While I readily admit to deeply desiring love, needing it is distasteful. To admit the truth of that feels so, well, needy. And thus another obstacle on the path to love and online dating was revealed to me.
Having just returned from the midst of great holiday family love in the UK, I am glowing from the experience. Being with both the new and young love of my daughter and her British husband as well as the seasoned love of his parents has renewed my commitment to experience a great love of my own.
During this time of light and miracles, being inside the blended love of our two families allowed for the feeling I desire with a beloved. Having participated fully in the experience and been given so much, I feel urged to extend it outwards. While giving love to cherished family, friends, children and assorted animals, trees and flowers is easy, I want to move out of my comfort zone. I could begin practicing now with people I have yet to know, enjoying the moment, as is, without an agenda. I could let the abundance of love I am feeling flow out into the world as compassion.
The last time I felt deeply moved to reach out to a stranger was when I noticed a homeless person sleeping in a doorway one very cold San Francisco night. Feeling the impulse to cover her, I went home and found one of my New York coats and returned to where she remained sleeping in her thin jacket.
As I gently placed it, attempting not to wake her, she leaped up, screamed relentlessly at me through clinched teeth in an invented language. I leaped back almost knocking over a passer-by and muttering, "No good deed goes unpunished." Later, I realized I had startled her. It was I who had chosen the coat for her. She hadn't requested it nor did she see it as a gift or an improvement on her condition. As what occurs often in online dating, they just weren't a match; more like an arranged marriage that she was having no part of.
I do not give up easily. While not everyone will want what I have to offer, some will. Those are the people I want to engage with. I feel that New Year optimism of 2015 bringing forth amazing opportunities and fantastic new people.
In clearing the way for this change to occur, I am cleansing both my home and psyche of that which no longer serves me. The need to remain emotionally safe by not expressing my needs, even to myself, will be first on my Letting Go list. I'm working with mentors on this one.
On the material plane, the lime green velour sweater, despite its sentimental value, was somewhat easier to dispense of. This time, remembering my last attempt at offering warm clothing, I strategically placed the sweater on a park bench where many homeless people gather.
Upon returning from my errands, I found it gone. My sweater had found its match. Time will tell if being more transparent will have a similar impact for me in 2015. Hopefully, like the person who chose my sweater, I, too, am getting warmer in my search for love.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.