Getting Whitey: Michelle Obama's Secret Negro Agenda

There is a rumor circulating among the right wing tin hat set that a videotape exists of Michelle Obama saying derogatory things about white people. Newsflash: Train a camera on just about any black person long enough and you'll get footage of him/her saying something derogatory about white people. You are, after all, friggin' everywhere! You are frackin' inescapable. (One of you has even crept into my bed and has been there for nearly 17 goddamn years!)

Of course we say nasty things about you. But just as it is with Christians and gays, just because we say nasty things about you doesn't mean we hate you. Good Christians hate the sin and love the sinner. We love white. We just hate whitey.

Michelle and I actually had a conversation about getting whitey at the first annual International Black Get Whitey Conference. It was a wonderful event. All the help was white and everyone treated them really, really badly. There were cupcakes with an image of Farrakhan dribbled on the icing. Delicious! There were twin crackers with mayonnaise sandwiched in-between. Get it?--"mayonnaise sandwich-eatin' crackers." And they were served by... well... right! It was catering gone downright meta. What a hoot!

After Jeremiah Wright's invocation damning white people to hell and a complimentary screening of "Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song," we got down to business. The first (actually, the only) item on the agenda was revenge -- how to pay whitey back. Some of you have obviously been dreading this since the end of Reconstruction. Obama practically has to tattoo the flag on his ass to convince you he's not out to get you. Judging from your behavior, I suppose you've just put yourselves in our shoes and realized that if the roles were reversed, revenge is all you'd think about.

Of course, there were embarrassing choruses of "Kill Whitey" from the gallery, but in the spirit of Martin Luther King, they were quickly silenced. "After all," an afro-sporting Condoleeza Rice admonished, "we are not Republicans, for God's sake." (Oh yes; she's been pretending all along. It IS a wig.)

Of course, we considered reparations, but decided that after eight years of the Bush administration, the US treasury had neither the funds, nor the borrowing power. We considered bringing back affirmative action. White folks just haaaated that. But we didn't want to repeat ourselves. Barack is all about "change." Then Michelle herself devised a most ingenious solution.

We're moving in. In an Obama administration, any black person will have the right to walk into the home of any white person and eat, sleep, drink, and spend the household income to his or her heart's content. You'll wake up, and my tighty whitie-clad ass will be hanging out your fridge 'cause my head'll be in it. You'll shudder and tsk at the injustice, but you will not protest, for denying my right to "get whitey" will be a criminal offense, punishable by the deposition of additional black people into your home. Bitch loud and long enough, and we'll be hangin' out the windows. You won't be able to walk from the bathtub to the sink for Negroes.

That Michelle is a genius. We all celebrated by bumping our knuckles together. It's not a "terrorist fist bump" as Fox News suggested. It's the International Get Whitey Bump. Just make a fist and bump, bump, bump your knuckles against your neighbor's.

You should practice, practice, practice. There will be a test.