Doron Somer, Founder and CEO of AngelSense with his son, Itamar
Having a child with special needs brings incredible joys and challenges for the whole family. Even the most conscientious and best-intentioned parents cannot ignore that siblings of special needs kids grow up under considerably different circumstances than their peers. In an environment, a home, where one child has special needs, it often results in the other siblings feeling marginalized and even ‘un-special’.
I first heard the term ‘Glass Children’ from Alicia Arenas, who grew up as one herself. She defines glass children as those whose parents were so consumed with the needs of their special sibling during childhood that they themselves were often looked right through, as though made of glass and transparent. Alicia explains that these children are actually some of the toughest there are, as they have had to deal with the brunt of receiving minimized attention and affection their entire childhoods – a reality seldom recognized or sympathized with.
Of course, parents of children with autism or other special conditions do not do this intentionally. We have our hands full constantly and do the best we can. Yet, by acknowledging this issue and consciously taking steps to combat it, we can improve and normalize the childhood experiences of our traditional needs kids without sacrificing our commitments to the special needs ones. Here are some insights for parents which can help minimize the sad phenomenon of glass children in special needs families.
Jealousy, resentment, embarrassment, and loneliness – are emotions your other children are likely feeling nearly constantly. Couple them with guilt and yes there is a problem. These emotions are legitimate and if we are being frank, parents are likely to be feeling them as well. But it’s important to remember that while your kids are going through many of the same things you are, they are doing so with the coping mechanism of a child. As such, they rely heavily on you, the parent, for validation, comfort, and attention. Regularly setting aside time to be with them individually can help fill this need.
The goal is to create an environment that feels safe for all members of the family. Siblings should be encouraged to invite friends over, to introduce them to all members of the family including their special needs sibling, to live a normal life. Shame is an emotion that is only neutralized when the source of shame is confronted, discussed and ultimately diffused.
Similarly, as a general principle, the needs of the special child should not eclipse traditional family activities. There will be many situations in which this is unavoidable; but despite how difficult it can be, carrying on with family trips, going out for dinner, and celebrating life events such as birthdays should be a priority.
Some families rely on professional counseling or support group communities for help with siblings and the feelings they go through. While it may be overwhelming and sometimes painful it ultimately serves a very important purpose; it fosters your typical children’s ability to nurture an identity other than being the sibling of a special needs child. Even if the parents lack the time or skills to fully help with this themselves, having a safe space to process and feel validated is very important. Aside from staving off ‘glass children syndrome’, this will help ease the resentment normal in your typical kids, and contribute to them being more tolerant and helpful with their special needs sibling at home.
It’s important to remember there is a network of families who share this common journey. Groups of families dealing with the challenges of an autistic child abound online, and are especially active and in contact with each other on social media. Lots of products nowadays are geared to kids with autism, among them AngelSense – and uniquely, one of our strongest offerings is our network of users who constantly share experiences, knowledge, sympathy, and inspiration with each other, and are there to help one another lighten the load.
Every parent knows that each of their children deserve attention, affection, and individual love and care. With a special needs child in the picture, it’s only natural for him or her to become the object of prime focus. With the proper foresight and action in helping your typical children deeply know that they’re significant and very loved, glass children can be a phenomenon of the past, and both parents and siblings can contribute to the care of the special child while feeling present, acknowledged - and even special.