Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 3, Episode 12 of Fox's "Glee," entitled, "The Spanish Teacher."
Considering I knew beforehand that "The Spanish Teacher" would be very Will-centric, I wasn't too excited for this episode. Although, I must admit that Ricky Martin's bon-bon shaking was a huge incentive for tuning in.
However, I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't hate this episode as much as I thought I would. Sure, it wasn't perfect. In fact, "Glee" may have hit a series low when Sue was soliciting male students for sperm. Yet, I have to say that week-after-week, Santana becomes the show's true savior.
When Will was acting like a total imbécil, it was Santana who set him straight. I can only hope that it's going to be Santana who knocks some serious sense into Finn and Rachel in next week's Valentine's Day episode.
More than just Sue's audacity and Will's super-sized ego, "The Spanish Teacher" was boring. Because, Will, no one really cares about you. At its heart, "Glee" should be a story about the kids of New Directions. Their story lines are far more interesting.
At least we had some much-needed Spanish subtitles to spice things up.
Comenzamos with "La Cucaracha," an homage to Spanish culture for sure. There's only one problem: William -- as Principal Figgins so affectionately calls him -- is boring his students, and it also turns out that he's not really teaching them any Spanish.
What's the problem, Will? Is your head too full of mash-ups for Regionals and jazz square combinations?
If Will wants tenure, it looks like he's going to have to do the unthinkable -- learn Spanish!
Say hola to David Martinez (Ricky Martin), a former tooth model who's now a night school teacher. You see, David got tired of flossing and one day woke up and wanted to teach kids. He wanted to help them find their duende, i.e. art.
Do you know what else he wants to do? Start a glee club! And do you know what he would do with his glee club? Teach them songs in Spanish. Hm, looks like Will has an idea. If he teaches New Directions songs in Spanish, Principal Figgins will have to give him tenure -- because learning Spanish in one week is, like, really hard.
Meanwhile, back at McKinley, Sue tells Will that she wants to have a baby by artificial insemination -- and she needs his sperm. Ew.
Don't worry, "With whose vagina?" is asked at least twice in the episode.
You see, in the '80s, she froze her eggs, and now she wants some babies. Personally, I think that Sue's just lonely. I mean, her sister is gone, and she no longer has Cooter to boss around, so what's left? At least she has her BFF Becky.
Side note: I'm glad that every once in awhile "Glee" shows a sense of Sue's continuity. Her nickname for Kurt -- "Porcelain" -- is a nice recurring touch.
It looks like Will and Sue will have to battle it out for tenure, after Sue finds out that one of her students complains about her coaching methods to Figgins. Now, Sue's out for blood -- nobody messes with the financial security of a momma bear and her potential cubs.
NeNe Leakes reprises her role as synchronized swim coach Roz Washington, and she expresses interest in choreographing the Cheerios. Uh oh. Let the drama begin! She and Sue have an epic verbal takedown, and it makes me realize how much I love NeNe.
Everyone in the choir room swoons over the very handsome -- and very "Sexy" -- David, including Artie. In fact, it kind of reminded me of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" when the girls of the Gryffindor quidditch team fangirls over Cedric Diggory. I don't know why I thought of that... but R.I.P. Cedric.
Okay, so back to the choir room. After David's incredibly sexy performance of LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It," it's pretty clear that Will needs to step up his game.
Meanwhile, Mercedes and Sam don't know how to deal with their feelings for each other, so what do they do? They go to Emma. She's only the most reliable school counselor ever. Emma tells them to spend the week apart and think about their relationship to see if there's something really there.
Cut to the Cheerios busting some serious bootylicious moves, thanks to Coach Roz. Obviously, Sue is not happy, and the two go head-to-head in a heated battle of bitchiness. Meow, Roz. You really know how to put Sue in her place.
Example: "Start praying you give birth to a child who likes to eat sand because that's all that's coming out of those old wrinkly boobs."
I'm really loving the feisty dynamic between Sue and Roz. It's about time that Sue had a proper sparing partner.
While watching "Twilight," Bella and Edward's eternal love inspires Rachel to finally tell Kurt and Mercedes about her engagement to Finn, and they don't exactly offer to throw her a bachelorette party.
Back at school, Mercedes sings "Don't Wanna Lose You" by Gloria Estefan and makes some seriously longing bedroom eyes at Sam, who probably has no idea what she's singing. He's too busy tweeting that she smells nice!
Meanwhile, Sam and the boys do a mash-up of Gypsy Kings' "Bamboleo" and Enrique Iglesias' swoon-worthy "Hero," and Blanco Chocolate definitely directs the latter song's lyrics to Mercedes.
Qué dramática.
Back in the McKinley High weight room, Finn and Kurt have a major talk about Finn's engagement and their futures. Finally, a voice of reason! Kurt tells Finn that his future can be more than just Rachel's personal handbag holder on the red carpet.
Hopefully, this means that Finn will start rethinking his decision -- because Rachel already has.
Somewhere between learning Spanish and denying Sue his sperm, Will turned into a major jerk. Instead of embracing Emma's love for silly pamphlets, he pushes her away. While I don't think Emma's pamphlets are practical, I don't think that Will's in any place to judge. After all, he doesn't know how to speak Spanish. ¿Comprende, Will?
In fact, Emma, here's a new pamphlet suggestion: "So You're Engaged To a Jerk."
Cut to the anticipated Español-off. Santana and David do a steamy cover of Madonna's "La Isla Bonita." I'm not quite sure why Santana is wearing a trash bag, but regardless, the performance is muy caliente.
Will looks a little nervous, and for a good reason. His version of Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" is a lot less impressive. It might have been the matador outfit, but it was probably just Will. That performance was painful. Ay dios mio.
Side note: Brittany and Mike make for some pretty adorable bulls.
Santana is unimpressed with Will's conversación, and in a dramatic turn of events, we find out that it was Santana who complained about Will's teaching methods, and then, she continues to knock some much-needed sense into Schue.
And Will? Well, he's going to teach high school history now ... because he's always liked history. Is it really that easy to be a high school teacher?
Unfortunately for Sam, Mercedes chose Bubba. Somewhere, puppies are crying. I mean, Bubba has all of the personality of a tree stump.
Fortunately for Will, Emma is the most forgiving fiance ever, and it turns out that she's also pretty clever because her "Taint Misbehavin'" pamphlet -- which teaches athletes about proper hygiene -- not only was a huge success in Ohio, but it also earned her tenure.
¡Felicidades!
Seriously, is it Valentine's Day yet? I really can't wait to meet Rachel's gay dads.
Notable Quotables:
"Sorry, I'm trying to listen, but you've got some beautiful teeth."
Random night school student
"This school has got cheerleaders doing broke ass moves from the 1950s. Why don't you admit that you're past your competitive edge, Sue Sylvester?"
Roz, you have my heart.
"Sam just tweeted that I smell good."
Mercedes
"I won't stop until it's trending."
Sam
"Sue, you ain't having no baby. You're as old as a hill... You need to start praying that your child likes to eat sand because that's all that's going to come out of those old, wrinkly boobs."
Roz
"They're Mexican hipster boots."
Finn
"Please don't hog my fiance's nog."
Emma
"If goodness and optimism are somehow genetic, then that's what I want for my child."
Sue, on why she wants Will's sperm
"I thought you were Kurt."
Finn, to Will. Kurt would look good in a matador outfit.
"Oh Becky, I've know never since I tinker tailored soldier spied my way into Figgins' files."
Sue, cracking the case of the student snitch -- Becky.
"Glee" airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. EST on Fox.