While i was gone, I went and did some work for the environment with Scott, my ex-roommate who is also a flight attendant. He thought it would be good to "give back," since "we're always taking and taking," and also because it's part of his sentence.
But one thing i noticed about trying to do good: it's completely incompatible with actually feeling good.
I mean, have you noticed how miserable environmentalists look? How angry fitness experts are? How horrible Yoga instructors smell? When Robert Redford simply acted in mediocre movies, he was delicious. When he decided to save the planet - he turned into a Barkudia skink - a rare earthworm-like lizard that lives in brackish water of Badakuda island, feeding on termites and beetle larvae.
This is wrong.
Doing good should make you feel (and look) good!
So that got me to thinking, "naturally," about butt plugs, vibrators, lube and anal beads.
Below you'll find my new line of environmentally friendly sex aids - from wind powered vibrators to hemp lube - that let you screw around without screwing Mother Nature. NOTE: before i decided what my product line would be I decided the criteria for all selections...
-they must be 100 percent biodegradable and not harm the planet
-they must possess a quiet motor so no one is disturbed on public transit
-they must come in natural, earth-tone colors
-"But Greg, do they must work in the shower?" you ask.
-Yes they do! : )
THE FISTY
This is the very first hand-cranked cordless anal powerplug, which brings self-pleasure to the descriminating anal sex play expert, all without batteries or electricity. Gone are the times when annoying wires or extensions limited your sexual fantasies, or worse - encumbered you with guilt over using nonbiodegradable batteries. Shove this up your ass, find a tree and scream "solo el que se ama a si mismi tambien puede dar amor!" ("you need to love yourself to give love" -which, in Mexico, is not a bad defense when you can't find a lawyer).
the Solar powered Super SIN-FLUTE
This ergonomically designed multi-control device catches the sun's rays and sends them straight into your pooper, due to an accompanying flexible, foldable and durable solar panel attachment. Producing enough power to last up to one hour before recharging, it offers comfortable handling with inclined speed control - and more important, resembles a curling iron. And like that dancer i met in Paphos, it has a splashproof, rotating head. Just towel it off and hide it behind the shampoo caddy! (In case of inclement weather, the SIN-FLUTE comes with an accessory pack including female CLA, male CLA, SAE barrel connector plug, battery clamps and 8ft. extension cord with SAE connectors. Use with an X-press 700 charger to charge AA/AAA batteries. )
the BLACK WAND
To the delight of earth-fisters everywhere, this bendable dildo is created from the raw materials taken from the "sustainable ecological cycle "- the kind that's self renewing and readily available. That's right - compost. This dick, literally, is the shit. Highly flexible, without missing out on durable firmness, it is no surprise that this usable product of compost was voted 'Favorite Ethical (DIY) Product' by HUffpo readers and those of 'Ethical Sodomite' Magazine. It's also currently the most popular gift item in Germany, replacing Mandelmakronen (Almond Macaroons) as the top holiday dessert snack.
GUTFELD'S Organic Hemp Seed Oil LUbe provides superior lubrication, condom compatibilty and easily removability without leaving any residue that might lead to embarrassing rashes, or rumors of incontinence. A combination of the natural protective and moisturising properties of hemp seed oil with the most effective lubrication makes it optimal for intercourse, sensual massages and saving the planet -leaving both skin and conscience feeling silky smooth. This safe protective lotion is suitable for both vegans and vegetables.
The RECYCLOPS!
Next time you tell Bill Keller to shove the New York Times up his ass, do so in the name of erotic pleasure. Create your favorite "one-eyed" buddy by recycling the newspaper of record into fully functioning dildos! Soak the paper in water, squidge into the cock-shaped Recyclops, squeeze down the handles to form a 13 inch dildo, remove the cone and leave to dry out. A recyclops can be used for up to an hour before losing firmness, and should not be shared. Note: This may be the only way to bring a Frank Rich column to a satisfying climax.
Wind-Up Mobile vibrator (WUMV)
Whether icy cold or heated in a bathtub, this porta-charge Wind-up Wand is earth-friendly and won't harm animals. Requiring no batteries or main power supply, simply plug into your vibrator and turn the handle to charge your vibrator battery. Depending on the device, 3 minutes of winding will give you 30 to 60 minutes standby or 2 to 8 minutes of relentless pleasure. Comes in white only. Durable and lightweight, yet tough enough to stand up to harsh living conditions, the WUMV is ideal for the randy homeless person on the move!
HUFFPO ECO-BALLS
When you're doing laundry, Huffpo eco-balls produce ionised oxygen that naturally activate water molecules, making for an efficient wash without detergents, saving water and energy by doing without the need for an extra rinse cycle! But that's not all. These soft cushiony plastic balls, consisting of differently large, elliptically formed elements which stimulate when introduced gradually and pulled out again, heighten the pleasure of an "intimate" massage, while also providing a targeted workout for the pelvic floor, and in a pinch, perform stop-gap bladder control (endorsed by Normal Mailer).
BONUS GIFT.
THE GUTFELD!
this ultimate sex toy comes with everything - and on anything!:
features:
infinite rechargeable device that requires no cable
loading station with power supply plug
can be usable under water
100 percent body- compatible, odor free, easy to clean (smooth wipe-down surfaces free of acne)
"interior" minijoystick for one finger control
reacts gently to strong vibrations
possesses an ergonomic control element only found in .0001 percent of the population
curved tip will make every G, L and Q-spot tremble
stub nose guaranteed to spoil your body and ideal for bagpiping
comfortable handling, although not suitable for fatties
To try the GUTFELD, please stop by the Roosevelt Hotel between three and six pm, and ask for Ralph Fiennes (I travel under that name).