2016, we're staging this intervention because we love you. We are worried about your recent behavior, and we want to express concern about your health and your future. We are taking away your car keys and your booze and sitting you down for some real talk.
For a few months now, we've been worried about your nihilistic thoughts and depressive mood swings. You seem to really want to hurt yourself, and we love you and we don't want that for you.
But your behavior isn't just hurting you. It's hurting all of us, and we need it to stop. You killed Alan Rickman, David Bowie and Prince. You gave Trump the microphone, and you've unleashed similar xenophobia in the U.K. to the point where it's endangering global markets. We want to have you in our lives, but your erratic and destructive behavior has caused a lot of us to feel like we need to give you some pretty firm boundaries, 2016. If you don't change course, you won't be able to cause scenes at our parties, because you won't be invited anymore.
But that's not what we want. We want the old you, the one from January 1st -- full of hope and potential. We think you've forgotten all the things that make you inherently wonderful. We have organized into a pit crew for you with a shared Google Doc. It's on all of our phones. Look, it's all here in the calendar: I'll take you for walks in the afternoons; Jessica will take you to meetings; Lauren will make you some casserole; and Mollie will watch Golden Girls with you while you cry into pints mint chocolate chip ice cream. Luke will even enforce a "short, corrective house arrest" if it comes to that. (Tough love is called for sometimes, 2016, especially if you act out as much as you have in the last six months.) All your pit crew wants is to see you healthy again, to support you and help nurse you back to health.
But the thing is, 2016, you have to decide to change. You have to decide that you don't want to kill everything in sight and snuff out your own promise prematurely. None of us can take that step for you.
It's time to remember who you truly are, 2016. Your future is still bright! You're only half over. The glass is half full!
Now hand over your keys.
Inspired by the "Go Home, 2016, you're drunk" meme on twitter