I've tried everything from sex, alcohol, food, church, work and weed just to not know what it's like to feel broken.
I use to be that one drunk girl in the club. The one that had to be the center of attention. The one that went home with strangers, that woke up not knowing where she was, who she was, or what to make of her decisions. The same one that tried to dress up her shame and commit herself to the church to overcompensate for her sin without acknowledging it. That was me.
When you're empty, you'll try anything to feel full.
Often, we do things we are not proud of because we've been punctured, wounded and bled. We create these patterns of behavior to fix our brokenness, to find ourselves, to feed the intangible place we're craving called happiness and peace. And we've habitually settled for mediocre versions of intimacy and we are malnourished. Nothing just happens. All those mistakes we've made added on another bandage to the broken promises we've sold to ourselves. Those broken promises becoming who we are, masters at temporarily fulfilling our hunger then masking it.
I believe I've always been looking for a savior. Somebody to protect me because most of my life, I haven't felt safe. I've sought refuge cloaked in men, food, church, education, and employment. I did anything I could to fit in, to feel whole, and not recognize the truths of who I am. I am not my mother's mistakes. I am a fatherless daughter. I am a child that witnessed domestic violence. I am a victim of molestation and emotional abuse. I am all of those things and none of those things. I am broken. I am human. I am normal.
All I ever really needed was someone to tell me it was okay to feel the pain of what happened to me. I needed someone to acknowledge and normalize my pain by validating me. I needed someone to tell me all those stupid irresponsible things I did was to cover up my brokenness. Many days I've cried out to God to make me better and to forgive me. I've promised God, I'll never drink again or have sex or do any of those things I know are not who I am.
Those broken promises are meaningless to God.
Let's face it, no matter how many times we've promised not to make those mistakes again, we're bound to do it. As long as we live on this Earth, we're going to do things we're not always proud of. We're going to do things that dishonor God and dishonor ourselves. And that's okay. That's a part of our brokenness.
It's okay to be broken.
God wants us and loves us even in our brokenness. God desires us as we are. Not the made up one, not the one we've created so others can be comfortable. Not the one we turn off and turn on because it makes us feel normal to fit in with people that are just pretending like we are. If only we knew it pleases God to see us as our most vulnerable selves? He wants that person that looks at us in the mirror and cry some days. He wants that person that sometimes feels guilty over their shame. He longs for us to be stripped of all the things we think he wants us to be. God doesn't want our broken promises or the pieces we've taped together and called a masterpiece.
So making those broken promises to God and to yourself. Stop convincing yourself that your mistakes will remove you from the will of God. Nothing can separate you from the love of God or your destiny. Forgive yourself. Make peace by feeling the pain of your brokenness, every sharp and groovy edge. Hold on knowing that one day those broken pieces will come together and be smooth again.