In a one-off interview with God (sorry, no photographers were permitted), this reporter had the privilege of learning His plan to file lawsuits against individual members of Congress and clergy. Though I could actually not see Him, I knew He was there because fish and wine were on the table next to his iPhone. My exclusive interview follows:
Reporter:Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lord. I realize Your time is taken up by earth's many other problems, like starvation, poverty, war, pestilence; you name it, we've got it.
GOD:How many times do I have to say it: Nothing is more important than Truth. Woe to hypocrites and liars.
Reporter:How did you reach a decision to sue, and on what grounds will your lawsuit be based?
GOD:Ah, a two-parter. That's just like the media to exaggerate even a simple question. I decided to sue when My communications to humans were ignored by the few whose personal agendas were believed by the many. Charges are malfeasance, misrepresentation, inciting a riot, unfair business practices, intolerance, verbal hate crimes, treason, and tampering with My 10 Commandments. George Carlin was My only exception to that last charge.
Reporter:Exactly how did you communicate your wishes?
GOD:Conscience, dear boy, conscience. It escapes even Me that some humans know they're doing wrong, and do it anyway. What, they can't read a Bible?
Take that pair of fellows, Anderson of Arizona and Drake of California. They call themselves pastors and yet they ask me to kill the President of the United States? This is a personal affront. Did they think I was kidding when I said 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.' I even put it in writing, for Heaven's sake. And they call themselves Baptists? Where I live, we have millions of Baptists, one of my most loving religions. We took a vote and not one Baptist wants people moving in who create dissention, fear and hatred. Machiavelli came up with "Divide and ye govern," so we might wonder if these dissidents wish to align themselves with someone whose very name means cunning and deceitful. Perhaps I should not have given humans Power of Choice without further vetting.
Reporter:Are any other humans actually named in your proposed lawsuit?
GOD:There are a few in South Carolina who need to study the Commandments. Joe Wilson and Jim DeMint broke the Ninth many times over; Mark Sanford broke One, Three, Seven, and Nine and he's still in office. I would include Graham, but there's no Commandment against uppityness; if there were, I would have sued Georgia's Westmoreland long ago.
My Commandments are more than the plot of a DeMille movie. Why do you think I suggested Charlton Heston as Moses? Because Heston's voice is exactly like the real Moses' and, as I said before, truth is urgently important to Me. You know how My family hates hypocrites. We've talked about it often enough.
Reporter:I see by the hologram of Your iPhone calendar that You've got an appointment in a few minutes to moderate a debate between the Coast Guard and CNN. Before you leave, Lord, is there anything else you want to say?
GOD:Yes. Humans who do not pay attention and mend their ways should familiarize themselves with the word SMITE. Even I have a limit on irk.
Reporter:One more question, Lord, if You don't mind. What is the name of the attorney representing You in this lawsuit?
GOD:I've had to put an ad on Craig's List because I couldn't find any lawyers where I live.
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