Hi, everyone, God here. I’m anxious to put to rest all these rumors that I am infallible (hello, 2017, anyone?), and sincerely hope that this list of self-improvement goals will go a long way toward affirming that. All of us can do a little better as another year starts, and I am no exception. Yes, I am eternal and never die like you poor, wretched creatures, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to seize the freaking day!
So here are the ten most pressing resolutions I am making for 2018. Perhaps they will let you see that even omnipotent, omniscient beings realize that their omnipotent omniscience can always get a little more kick-ass.
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- Get in shape. You people don’t even know. I’m 99.9 percent vapor, and that is extremely difficult to fashion into rock-hard abs. Luckily, I’ve pulled a few strings with Hell and they are sending up some personal trainers.
- Get politically active. For too long, I’ve been fairly neutral while good people suffer and a-holes come out on top. It might be time to step up my game and start taking names. Obviously, my involvement in generating a warning with some of the more spectacular climate change disasters has impressed no one.
- Spend more time with family. I really need to be there for my son, who has his hands full with all of you people who claim he’s the reason we should ostracize one group or another. A nice, firm lightning bolt up their butts would be a start at showing him that I want to begin the healing process.
- Spend more time with friends. Please, I have my pick of some of the coolest people ever up here and I never seem to make the time. This year, for sure, Bowie and Prince are going to do a monster concert, and I am definitely going to set up a lunch with Flannery O’Connor and Alan Rickman.
- Reconsider my take on free will. I mean, look what you barely-sentient morons have done with that one.
- Clear away the clutter. Ever since you people invented The Cloud, I can’t find any empty space to conduct normal business.
- Spruce up my resume. According to the six CEOs that actually made it up here, my job history has too much negativity and I need to start thinking about spin doctoring my achievements into something more attractive to potential employers/worshippers.
- Become a minimalist. Really, what do I need with all these robes, thrones, choirs and pearly gates? Time to live simply.
- Travel more. Gazing down at all of you losers like the Wicked Witch of the West keeping an eye on Dorothy is getting pretty old. It might be time to make some personal appearances, but you would probably just misunderstand and kill me over and over.
- Quit smoking. Yeah, I know. I thought it was easy, and then the whole vaping thing happened.
Anyway, wish me luck with all these. If you folks are any indication, I’m going to need it.