Goldman Sachs is proud to announce a consumer-enriching expansion from the hallowed halls of Wall Street to the glittering neon of Las Vegas. In addition to continuing our world-class wealth-friendly Private Wealth Management and Personal Banking services; our internationally-recognized client-focused Global Investment Research services; our award-winning, growth-facilitating Debt Financing teams, we are excited to unveil plans for the globally diversified, entertainment-enhanced, Goldman Sachs Lounge & Casino, perfect for both the high roller, and the high-net-worth individual, financial institution, corporation and/or government.
Located just off Flamingo Ave. between Treasure Island and Circus Circus, GSL&C will continue our tradition of offering the finest in connectivity-based consumer value. From Texas Hold 'em Hedge Fund tables, to Equity Capital Craps games, to Subprime Mortgage Default Roulette wheels, to Junk Bond Bingo, Goldman Sachs plans to bring the visionary, innovative and family-friendly fun it made famous on Wall Street, and transplant it right into the heart of Las Vegas.
We're also delighted to provide both original and recapitalized entertainment-rich packages, including, but not limited to, a Ronald Reagan impersonator, who, backed by the dancing Reaganettes, will star in a multimedia review developed by Sir Elton John and Andrew Lloyd Webber, with Wayne Newton, called DEREGULATION! World renowned Cirque du Soleil has developed a special show just for us, entitled, Money CAN Buy You Love, which will feature profitability-saturated costumes that are just that side of revealing, just this side of risqué, and made of real FDIC-backed gold bullion. And for all you Baby Boomers we'll have a Pink Floyd tribute band that plays an extended jam version of their mega-hit song, Money, with an infrastructure-rocking, liquidity-inducing light show that'll have you tripping the light fantastic! For the AARP crowd, we got a Henny Youngman look-alike with a comedy-maximizing catchphrase that's sure to gain valuable traction all over America, "Take my money, PLEASE!"
Don't think we forgot the kids! While you're having as much fun as an adult can legally have in the state of Nevada, drop them off at the Elephants, Bulls and Bears room. Boys can play Matador, goring and killing our very own papier-mâché headed mascot Bully. Girls can have a teddy bear's picnic, while they learn how to bag an Elephant, a large institutional investor, thereby attaining a strategic advantage in manipulating security prices.
We'll also be featuring a Research Room, "manned" by a bevy of bodacious, brainy beauties, who are fully "equipped" to give you insider tips about which games best suit your skills, value and long-term fiduciary goals. And don't worry if you're a little cash flow-shy, we've got our own credit rating agency, headed by Harvard Business School alumnus and former Miss Las Vegas, Penelope "Penny Stock" Bernstein. Plus we'll offer a super, synthetic collateralized debt obligation system that lets you get cash fast, fast, fast.
So be sure when you're packing your little black dress, to throw in your pink slips to all your vehicles, the deed(s) to your house(s), as well as your bathing suit, so you can take a break from all the madcap fun, and swim in our blood diamond encrusted, $-shaped Olympic size pool. And don't forget to visit the Bailout Lottery Lounge, where you can buy a ticket that gives you a better than average* chance of winning a nice hunk of that Obama bailout money you've been hearing so much about. You'll even find a Big Short Blackjack table, where customers can actually bet against themselves, and the dealer. Because at Goldman Sachs Lounge & Casino, everyone's a winner!*
*Based on current, former, and future unforeseeable variables, and due to fluctuations including, but not limited to, current market values, anticipated added profitability, or unanticipated market downturn, this claim is completely nonbinding in this or any other universe, in perpetuity.
David Henry Sterry is a performer, activist, book doctor, and author of 12 books that have been translated into a dozen languages. He's appeared on the front cover of the Sunday New York Times Book review; acted with Will Smith in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air; and waxed on NPR about everything from World Cup soccer, to industrial sex technicians, to how to get a book successfully published. His next book will be: The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published. www.davidhenrysterry.com