The great American muckraking journalist H.L. Mencken made a career lambasting American foibles. "If you find so much unworthy of reverence, then why do you live here?," he asked himself in a piece. Answering, "Why do men go to zoos?"
I watch sports endlessly on ESPN. It's always been that zoo. But the circus has just come to town.
It's hard to imagine that a network featuring Dick Vitale and Lee Corso as commentators would be being able to top itself for buffoonish behavior, but ESPN now has. (Both men are enthusiastic experts. It's just that when they put on their clown suits and begin to spritz seltzer at the crowd that their insight starts to take a nose dive.)
It's hard to imagine that a network featuring their parade of Dancing Former Ballplayers as Expert Commentators -- most generally forgetting that a) they are no longer ballplayers and b) they are supposed to do research before opening their mouths -- can top themselves for pointlessness. But ESPN now has.
And that's impressive, because the Dancing Former Ballplayers can be pretty darn amazing. From pretty much anything out of Fernando Vina or Sean Salisbury, to when Dusty Baker brought his 7-year-old son to the analysts' desk to help him comment.
Or that EVERY WORD OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF GARY THORNE AND STEVEN A. SMITH ARE LIKE THEY ARE YELLING AT US BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD!!!
Humor and whimsy is appropriate. Kenny Mayne's pieces, "The Mayne Event," are gems. The ESPN ads are as hilarious as ads get. Even though Chris Berman wears thin, he tries and enough humor gets through. This is sports, and breaking pomposity is essential But there's a difference between dropping some jokes into Hamlet to break the tension, and having everyone throw pies at the end. Not knowing limits to slapstick is one of the reasons burlesque doesn't exist anymore.
For the most part, ESPN does an impressive job balancing sports, reporting and the zoo. If they go overboard more than ideal, hey, that's why God created the remote.
But even ESPN hit the depths last week, and entered the Circusworld Hall of Fame. Last week, ESPN hired Bobby Knight.
To be clear, it's only for 27 days during the college basketball playoffs. And I understand why ESPN hired him, the same reason P.T. Barnum brought in a giant whale for people to gawk at. And I don't even "hate" Bobby Knight -- I think some of what he does as a person is admirable, some of what he says is spot on and most of how he coaches is brilliant, even if far too much of how he acts is irresponsible.
But why this hiring is bizarre is because no one should care what Bobby Knight has to say as an ESPN analyst. Not because he won't say anything of interest -- but because I don't get the sense that Bobby Knight cares what he has to say as an ESPN analyst.
Remember: this is a man who for his entire coaching career has gone out of way to make clear he disdains reporters. He actively ridicules reporters when they merely question his decisions. His smearing of Jeremy Schapp (who is on ESPN, by the way...) by dragging in Schapp's late, legendary father is shameless.
Remember: Bobby Knight is the man who told a crowd, "When my time on earth is gone, and my activities here are passed, I want them to bury me upside down, so my critics can kiss my ass."
And now ESPN has hired Bobby Knight to be a critic. And worse, Knight has agreed.
You can admire Knight's attitude towards reporters and critics, if you like. Or detest the attitude. But to leap from that attitude to becoming a critic is lunacy. Or hypocrisy. Or greed. Or ego run amok. Or all the above.
Why should anyone care about one word he has to say? It's not that he doesn't have expertise. He's the winningest coach ever. It's that for his entire career he's told us that critics are worthless, lower than dirt, objects of scorn. And now he wants us to listen to him as a critic??
To be honest, I think it's likely I'll tune in to watch, just like ESPN hopes people will. I don't know how long I'll be able to stick around, or if the remote control will go into hyperdrive. But I will check it out, at least once. Why?
Why do men go to zoos?