Everyone's favorite future overlord, Google, turned 13 years old this week. Google has hit puberty, and that means confusing times ahead for the $50 billion company. Sticks of deodorant and sticks of RAM. Training bras and Google Doc training manuals. Completely inexplicable boners and... well, Google Plus.
As with anyone hitting this important benchmark, users can expect erratic behavior from Google. And frankly, we're all just going to have to bear with the oncoming mood swings of the company that brought us the up-and-down stylings of Gmail, the lucky-if-it's-even-used "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, and the what-the-hell-is-chrome sensation that is... Chrome.
After talking with CEO Eric Schmidt -- and by that I mean staring creepily at his photo for the better part of an afternoon -- I've come up with a list of things we should all be ready for as Google's hormones explode like the mailbox of a Microsoft competitor circa 1993.
- Google will decide quite suddenly that they need new $120 shoes. Why? SHUT UP, MOM, THEY JUST DO! YOU'RE RUINING GOOGLE'S LIFE!
Dear Valued Google User,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME LIKE SKYLAR FROM DREAMTIME HEARTBEAT* DOES! ONE DAY WE'RE GONNA MEET AND GET MARRIED AND YOU'RE NOT COMING! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!
Thank you for your email.
(*I made up the band name Dreamtime Heartbeat. I'm sorry if your boy group just happens to be called this. Not because I'm using it for mockery. No, I'm sorry because, dude, your fucking band's called Dreamtime Heartbeat.)