Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced on Thursday that he’s running for president, officially widening the 2016 GOP field to “basically everyone ever.”
Also vying for the Republican nomination are Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a man who once warned that the U.S. was only steps away from re-allowing soldiers to quarter in private homes, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, most famous for being a synonym for bodily fluids, and former New York Gov. George Pataki because why not.
So we’d like to suggest a few other candidates who, in our humble opinion, might be more viable contenders:
The IUD is having a moment. Unlike former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, the birth control device was once very popular and is now becoming popular again. Bush, on the other hand, used to be a very well-liked governor but is now polling worse than his brother, whose greatest hits include two of the three longest wars in American history.
A string of emojis
Apple recently made headlines for introducing racially diverse emojis. The GOP 2016 field is, with the exception of Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, Ben Carson and half of Ted Cruz, whiter than this year’s Academy Awards. (Though, to be fair, the Democratic side could also benefit from some multicultural additions.)
The GOP 2016 field already includes a man who used to fry squirrels in a popcorn machine and thinks North Korea might be more free than the United States. Why not turn the crazy up to 11 by including America’s most beloved delinquent?
A breakfast taco
Have you ever met a person who tried a breakfast taco and didn't love it? Probably not. If the answer is yes, by the way, you should remove that person from your life immediately.
That guy requesting gluten-free beer at an Italian restaurant
Can't be reasoned with, shows no remorse, absolutely will not stop doing this. Precisely the guy you want fighting the Islamic State.
Clinton, Bush, Paul: There are sure a lot of political families involved in the 2016 race already. Why not add a real dynasty into the mix? At least the arts flourished under the Medicis.
As long as we're in full YOLO mode.