Attention Republicans in the Federal Government: Provide state's evidence now and guarantee yourself a reduced sentence!
This is a one-time only offer. Void as of November 7, 2006.
All prison terms from subpoenas or arrest warrants delivered beginning November 7, 2006 will be for the maximum as required by law.
Protect yourself today. First-come, first-rewarded.
This is not a gimmick! This is a real legal agreement, certified by the National Democratic Party under the official auspices of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, United States Department of Justice (pending) and United States Joint Houses of Congress (pending).
The United States Government is in the preliminary stages of preparing bills of indictment for the following infractions:
• Falsifying a government report
• Accepting bribes
• Vote tampering
• War profiteering
• Perjury before the U.S. Congress
• Conspiracy to defraud
• Other federal felonies not covered by the above
If you have any participation in the above crimes, contact your nearest federal law enforcement agency to receive your personal reduced sentence.
It's that easy. No strings attached.
Why are the Democratic Party and combined United States law enforcement agencies making such an offer? There must be a catch.
No! There is no catch. This is patriotism, good citizenship and democracy in action, to protect the beloved U.S. Constitution and your own federal government.
This offer can be made because you are not the focus of any inquiry. You may even be able to avoid prison time completely, if your evidence is strong enough. And even if you do have to serve jail time...it will be at drastically reduced sentences!!
Because you are not the focus of any inquiry.
(Legal disclaimer: The declaration of inquiry focus may include - but is not guaranteed to cover - George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, Karl Rove and the estate of Tom Delay.)
If you call NOW to provide state's evidence, you may receive from the following benefits:
• Reduced sentences
• Government pardon
• Medal of Freedom
• Minimum security prison
• Tennis courts, digital cable, Sunday buffet brunch
• Conjugal visits (adults only)
• Witness Protection Program
• Full Geneva Convention protections
Act NOW. All government officials who are subpoenaed, arrested or convicted as of November 7, 2006, will lose out on these offers and instead be prosecuted under any or all of the following conditions:
• Enemy combatant status
• Gitmo prison
• Unidentified overseas prison
• No choice of roommate
• Abu Ghraib-style living conditions
Act NOW while you still have habeas corpus rights. Remember, law enforcement agencies can wiretap you without warrants, so your chances of avoiding arrest by rogue government bureaus have already been drastically reduced. Act NOW to protect yourself.
Do yourself a favor. Do your family a favor. Do your country a favor. Protect the United States Constitution. And guarantee yourself a reduced sentence!
Offer valid from sea to shining sea.
Expires November 7, 2006.
The first 1,500 participants will receive a free gift, yours to keep whether or not you are given jail time.
Washington, D.C. residents only: On November 3, come to the Department of Justice and meet Patrick Fitzgerald in person.