GOP to Hold Hearings on What Went Wrong With the Hearing

WASHINGTON: Paul Ryan announced today that his first official act as Speaker will be to launch a congressional inquiry into the inability of Republican members of the Benghazi committee to have a point.

Chairman Trey Gowdy, who rose to fame as the kid who played the banjo in Deliverance, took umbrage with Ryan's assessment by claiming there was one on top of his head. Congressman Jim Jordan, winner of bipartisan praise for proving conclusively that you don't need to wear a coat to be an empty suit, agreed to serve as chair if Gowdy found work at a filling station.

While Ryan's ascendancy to the Speakership seems likely, there is still some doubt as to whether the combined IQ of the Freedom Caucus can reach the necessary 218. Yet the committee moved swiftly to subpoena the business records of an Alexandria Office Depot where Sidney Blumenthal is said to have purchased toner for his fax machine in 1993.

In a related story, Ryan said he plans to multitask as Speaker by drinking $350 bottles of Pinot Noir with his kids.

In other news: Jim Webb and Lincoln Chafee are rumored to be replacing those two guys in the Sonic Drive-In commercials.