Spiritual homework can be found anywhere -- yes anywhere. I found my most recent assignment on the basketball court while at a tournament of the resident teenager. You see, you can run, but you can't hide. If you've got homework to do -- there's no escaping it until completed. I know, you must be saying, a basketball court? Yes, a basketball court, because our life lessons will follow us wherever we go and present themselves in the most unexpected ways. They're tricky that way and the school of life is always in session.
So as a part of my recent course load -- I need to come clean and air some dirty laundry.
Prompts and triggers are sprinkled about our everyday lives as reminders. Mine were delivered to me in the form of a very vocal, negative, loud-mouthed parent who sat court side, taunting and heckling the referees throughout the game -- and it got real when he targeted that aggression towards my son. Uh oh, out came the mama bear claws! My mounting anger intensified as I sat there festering - and feeling anything but spiritual. As a matter of fact, it was more like it all drained from me and suddenly, I was feeling justified. Anger only begets more of the same.
It was a difficult moment of mental gymnastics. On one hand, I needed to feel what I was feeling. On the other hand, I was praying to God for support, to see the opportunity, the lesson and even to muster love (which felt like a far stretch in the heat of that moment). Aaaaaah. I certainly wasn't feeling anything remotely close to love.
As my adrenaline increased, I wondered, Why am I giving my power away? Why am I letting him get under my skin? And why am I letting him drag me into his vortex? I knew better than this; by targeting my anger at him, I had joined his angry-parade. As a matter of fact, it was only feeding the divisiveness within the room, the great divide - the illusion of separateness that can find us anywhere in big ways and small, in political elections, in heated conversations, in houses of worship, in communities, in nations and in sporting events. Even with a great innate sense of needing to belong to something, some tribe -- we still find a way to exclude someone from the club.
Life is a plethora of teaching moments there for the taking. The choice is ours -- turn a blind eye and carry on business as usual, or seize the potentially elevating moment and go forth, Young Jedi, onto your next challenge. And they don't call them teaching moments for nothing. They come in the form of provocations -- things that stir something within you. Mine just happened to show up at the basketball court.
I've spent much of my life as a parent on a sports field or court of one kind or another; I've even been a coach. So, I know a thing or two about competitiveness, sportsmanship, teamwork and lack there of. It's actually one of the things I love most about team sports - the opportunity to work together. And sports, like anything, can be used as a metaphor for a larger message, on or off the field.
Team sports at any level from school to the professional leagues, can stir the disparate sentiments of bonding or of divisiveness. And if parents on the sidelines can separate from others in such an aggressive manner simply because of the color of a jersey -- what does that say in the bigger picture of life? Where do we draw the line? What happens if my skin is a different color than yours, if my sexual preference is different than yours, if my faith is different than yours? Am I the other, thus worthy of your aggression or dare I say, hatred?
It sounds silly right? But these are precisely the places we need to listen up and pay attention. We say we are not bigoted and the next thing you know, there are energetic, warring factions on the bleachers at our children's events. What messages are we sending them? Clearly, I cheer for my son's team and enjoy victory as much as another - but at the end of the day, what is it really bringing up? And more importantly, looking at the bigger picture -- what does it mean to win anyway? One thing for certain -- it's not about being 'right' or better than another, it's about showing up as a better YOU.
I don't have a pretty ribbon to wrap this story up with other than to say, we are each presented with opportunities in our encounters to reconcile why something has presented itself. A friend sent me this quote after I shared my frustration and ensuing shame with her:
In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.
~Dalai Lama
Well, the Dalai Lama probably never went to a high school basketball tournament, I huffed, only half jokingly. But I do wonder what he would say if I could've brought him along. The fallacy of 'otherness' is the enemy within. To win, we need to uproot our own shadows. The reality is that our homework and our teachers appear when we are ready to move on -- and to go the next level. Oh, and as a side note: 'That' parent, will show up at every event thereafter in another form until you've resolved your assignment.
It was time for me to graduate. I thought about that encounter for days and wondered - How could I have handled it differently? Verbally engaging clearly didn't help the situation, but did festering silently? Responding with a snide remark may feel like a quick hit of satisfaction, but is only to be followed by an energetic hangover.
How do we strike a balance? I prayed and meditated on it and turned it over to the Universe. Sometimes we aren't presented with all the answers. I recognized that there was some work to be done here and that would require letting go of my own self-righteous smugness. OUCH.
It's not my job to fix anyone else, but it is my job -- our job -- to show up, to seize our experiences and opportunities for spiritual growth and expansion. We will encounter people in our personal and professional lives who are put forth as reminders of our own paths. It's not my responsibility to change anyone, but rather to model my best self -- the best version of me. And God knows that's a full time job. So with my nose back in my own yard, I accept the challenge.
And thank Marianne Williamson for the reminder: Yes, "All that is not love, is a call for love."
Love softens all rough edges -- our own and those of others. Assignment received.
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[Photograph by Cheryle St. Onge]