It's here! In a quick move designed to avoid loss of market share to its main rival as a result of the much-ballyhooed roll-out of Grand Theft Auto IV, Xianity Fantasy Games has just released the newest version of its best-selling game, Grand Theft Jesus.
At the stroke of midnight last night, Grand Theft Jesus-IJ, rated "G" for gullible audiences, went on sale in megachurches around the country, accompanied by the huge promotional efforts of televangelists in hour-long disinfomercials.
"GTJ IJ offers fantasy game enthusiasts the most dazzling array of options the religious interactive entertainment industry has yet produced," Xianity's CEO said in a prepared statement. (It seems unlikely that any reader is still unfamiliar with the corporation behind the Grand Theft Jesus phenomenon, but for the information of any such person who may exist, the name derives from the company's mission: to remove Christ from Christianity.)
"When you begin playing," one commercial for GTJ-IJ says, "be prepared to put the real Jesus on hold for months--maybe forever. You can get so caught up in this amazing game, that you'll never hear the real words of Jesus again. It's literally incredible!"
The GTJ-IJ player enters the game by going through a giant looking glass on the opening screen. He then finds himself in an amazing fantasy world populated by a gang of Jesus Thieves. Here he is confronted by a remarkably lifelike replica of Jesus, standing on His head and preaching violence, hatred, war and greed.
The Inverted Jesus (the source of the IJ in the name of this edition of Grand Theft Jesus) praises the rich and urges players to shun the poor. "Just say you believe in Me, and then you can do whatever you want," the beckoning, head-standing Jesus proclaims.
"The new GTJ-IJ has GTA IV beat every which way but Sunday!" exclaimed a young game enthusiast who had camped outside Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston for 37 hours in order to be first in line to get the latest Grand Theft Jesus game.
The first step for the player is to pick from the rogues gallery which Jesus Thief to be. Among the favorite characters are, in addition to Osteen, Pat Robertson, James Dobson, and Tim LaHaye.
Daring GTJ players can choose to be the disembodied Spirit of Xians Past, Jerry Falwell.
Next, the player chooses a mission. Each of the missions in the new Grand Theft Jesus takes place in a different locale. Here is a sampling of the exciting missions in GTJ-IJ:
Kidnap Jesus
Locale: The Holy Land
This is the beginner's mission for the GTJ novice. Your assignment is to find the right-side-up Jesus while He is preaching the Sermon on the Mount. You are required to seize Him, tie Him up and (this is the most important part) gag Him, so He can't say anything. Then you replace Him with a Doppelganger (yourself!) who looks like the Original, but says the opposite!
Drug Dealer
Locale: A sprawling suburban megachurch
Drug Dealer is one of the most exciting missions in the new edition of Grand Theft Jesus. Players get to test their abilities as pushers by enticing credulous marks into buying fixes of the highly addictive drug ChristianityLite. Winning this mission is based on how many people you can get hooked on this adulterated drug.
Abort Jesus
Locale: Colorado Springs
Cruising the streets of Xianity's Rome, players are equipped with baseball bats and automatic weapons and given the opportunity to beat and shoot doctors who perform abortions, women who have abortions, gays, and leading "Democrat" politicians.
For expert players, there is a secret door in Colorado Springs that leads to Ted Haggard's New Life Church. There, a grinning Pastor Ted shouts, "The Bible's bloody!" and tells the player to loudly condemn homosexuality. (Hint: If you do so, you are promptly whisked to a place where you can engage in all the gay virtual sex you desire.)
Warning: Beware of the mirrors that pop up unexpectedly in this mission. A player who finds himself shouting "Fag!" while in front of a mirror may be locked out of the game.
Hurricane Jesus
Locale: New Orleans
On this mission, players get to send a massive storm into New Orleans and watch gays and African Americans drown before their very eyes as Inverted Jesus smiles, George W. Bush sits idly, fondly recalling his hell-raising days as a young alcoholic in the French Quarter, and a character named Brownie does nothing at all.
Mission Accomplished
Locale: The White House
Hear God speaking through your character! The player actually gets to be George W. Bush and start his very own war of choice, because in GTJ, Jesus is pro-choice on wars of choice! This section of the game is so complex that the game-makers say you can play it for a hundred years!
Adam's Vengeance
Locale: The Garden of Eden and places to the East
"In a market as competitive as this one, you just can't let yourself be outdone in misogyny," said a spokesman for Xianity Fantasy Games. "It's no longer exciting enough just to have women be graciously submissive. Most of the market for GTJ and similar games is male, and we need to offer them an opportunity to really take it out on women, like they can in GTA IV. So we've added a mission near the end of GTJ-IJ called 'Adam's Vengeance.' We're confident that guys will love it!"
The player gets the actual Adam experience: He gives birth to Eve. She then sneaks off, talks with a snake, and comes back offering a tempting deal to the player. If the player says "No deal," the game is over. But if he says, "Deal!" he immediately finds himself working in a field, sweat dripping from his forehead.
"This is where the Adam's Vengeance mission gets to be real fun," the Xianity spokesman says. "You get a chance to take out all your frustrations on a woman. You can actually rip Eve apart, limb from limb, and skewer her through the abdomen with a spear! It's a really neat feature we've added in IJ, and we're sure that it'll make us very competitive with GTA IV!"
And, finally, the last and most challenging level:
The Greater Gory of Christ
Locale: The Middle East
Here, you take on the role of Tim LaHaye, dressed in white, on a white horse, with a Sancho Panza-looking James Hagee on a donkey to your right, as you lead a vast, nuclear-equipped army into the Battle of Armageddon. You ride through rivers of blood, killing your enemies in ways so gruesome that the GTA IV creators can only dream of duplicating them. You watch your enemies, along with unconverted Jews, Muslims, and millions of others, writhe in pain, dying slow, terrible deaths as Inverted Jesus cheers.
Successful completion of this final mission leads to the player's ultimate victory. The word "RAPTURE!" explodes on the screen and the player vanishes from this world.
STRATEGY HINTS:
There are two keys to success in GTJ-IJ.
One is: Every time you see the real Jesus pop up, you must run Him over with your car or riddle Him with bullets. (It's easy to identify the real Jesus in the game, because He is standing upright.)
The other key to remember is: Every time you are confronted with a choice, ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" Then do the opposite. Each such choice is rewarded by the game's audio shouting a deafening "Je-SUSS!"
Robert S. McElvaine teaches history at Millsaps College. His latest book, Grand Theft Jesus: The Hijacking of Religion in America, on which this piece is partially based, has just been published by Crown.