One evening, after watching Fox News for too long I realized I had a migraine. I don't get migraines. After some thought, I began to suspect the garish, swirling, jagged, imploding, exploding, constantly changing color graphics of the Fox News Channel. The more drastic graphics were coupled with a sound effect like a jet plane flying over at about fifty feet. On an impulse, I decided to try to lodge a complaint. I picked up the phone. Information gave me the number for Fox News in New York City but I must have misdialed because I didn't get a computer. Someone answered.
"Evans. Production," the voice said.
"Is this Fox News?"
"Right," he answered, "Production Department."
"Can you tell me who's in charge of graphics?" I asked.
"That'd be Julia," he told me.
"May I speak to her?" I asked.
"Nope . . . can't talk."
"Busy?" I said.
"No, she can't talk . . . can't say words . . . she's a chimp," he said.
"No, no . . . chimp . . . she's a chimpanzee."
I started to laugh.
"It's not so funny. How'd you like it if your boss was a chimpanzee? I mean . . . I'm for animal rights and all that, but this is going too far!"
"Why did they make a chimpanzee your boss?" I asked him.
"Well . . . to tell you the truth, she is very good with graphics . . . Better'n me. I have to admit it. But here's the thing . . . she wasn't worth a damn before the LSD."
"They put it in her bananas"
"I got to go," I told him. "I was gonna complain, but I don't suppose there's any point in that . . ."
"Nope, none at all," the guy said. "I tried it once. She just climbed up in my lap and gave me a big wet kiss in the ear. She's really a very nice boss; it's just kind of demeaning having to report to a chimpanzee."
I hung up the phone and checked out the convoluted, exploding color graphics and jet engine sound effects one more time.
"Well, that explains that," I said, groping for some Advil.