Hey, do you remember that time your husband got you a vacuum for Christmas and then you murdered him? At least with your expression? Why not hand your beloved this list before the holidays, because when Mama's happy, everyone's happy.
1. A photo book.
You know what gets a little tiresome? Being the sole documentarian of your family life. Uploading pictures and printing them into cute collages was fun when you had a newborn, but it's getting a little old. What if some magical fairy named [your husband's name] whisked your phone away in the dead of the night and then a magical photo book appeared under the tree, complete with little captions about your life together? Can we say romantic?
this is how your photo book present should be artfully displayed for your wife to find in your tulip garden OR DON'T EVEN BOTHER DOING IT YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING
2. Good chocolate.
This has to be dark enough so the kids don't like it and expensive enough that you moderate your desire to eat it all in one sitting. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, especially when it's not leftover Halloween candy.
3. New shoes.
Ah, feet. They are the only part of your body that looks the same after childbirth. Well, you went up a size, but your feet are still recognizable, unlike your abdomen. You know what you need to celebrate the relative attractiveness of your feet? Some new shoes. Since your husband's taste is, shall we say, unique, this present is best given as a fun shopping trip together during which your mom watches the kids at home.
Just kidding. Unless it's lingerie that you like, which means it's made out of cotton and your body is entirely covered. This is also known as "a blanket."
is this a lace bodysuit? is the body suit the focus or is it the bracelet? is that her heel in the bottom left or someone else's body part? my brain hurts.
6. Trashy TV.
You know what you need to do? Take a sick day and binge watch all the episodes of Real Housewives while the kids are blessedly back in school. But how can you do that without the full set of episodes on DVD? Answer: you can't, so someone should buy them for you.
7. A new computer.
The one you're reading this on is so old that it has newborn pictures of your oldest kid on the hard drive, and the wallpaper is a picture of you and your husband before you both had gray hair. This one is expensive, so only ask for it if you've heard your husband talking about upgrading your flat screen TV. Two can play at this game.
8. A cool watch.
This way, when you're giving your three year old a three minute time out for hitting, it's really three minutes and not just as long as it takes for you to put in dinner, pull the baby out of the toilet, and figure out what substance is all over your sofa. Oh sorry, were you in the time out chair for 25 minutes? Oopsie.
JORD watch (Sully in Sandalwood and Maple). You guys know I love this company, because they give me watches that are trendier than I am.
9. Some piece of "artwork" with your kid's handprint on it and a quote about how much she loves you.
You're only human, after all. Bonus points if there's some reference to your selfless nature and endless patience. (You promise to believe that your preschooler said it if your husband just writes it down.)
10. A day off.
During which you do every single chore on your wife's honey-do(-it-the-F-right-now) list. With a smile and to her specifications. (Yes, that's why I gave you all those other options too.)
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says:
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.