(Apologies to Roger Angell and Ian Frazier)
Our weary planet's never-ending
Trip around the Sun, now trending
Toward its yearly consummation
Beckons us to contemplation.
And ere we start another journey,
Roll 2012 out on a gurney,
Pause a moment to recall--
The year that brought the world Ron Paul
The guy who does the gangnam dance
Jong-un, Kim and Armstrong, Lance.
All who won't be over-sore missed--
A list that starts with Grover Norquist
Including every billionaire
Who claims he's paying his fair share:
He's just another ordinary
Working stiff, Tom, Dick or Harry.
Like Warren Buffet's secretary.
Before we all get good and plastered
Toast every poor misguided bastard,
Civic nuisance, blowhard, clown
From Lindsay Lohan down, and down.
Pour Karl Rove some warm Champagne!
Cold pizza pie for Herman Cain--
With anchovies and pepperoni--
For Papa John and Berlusconi.
Raise a glass of flat Prosecco
To Aflac's duck and Geico's gecko.
We will offer up no thanks
For shockjocks with their stupid pranks
Or generals, who on their swords fell
Into bed with Paula Broadwell.
Sing "Call Me Maybe" acapella
Serve eggnog spiked with salmonella
To Bashar Hafez al-Assad.
Hoist him by his own petard
And let's hope he comes down hard
In Ahmadinejad's backyard.
Build a roaring, crackling fire
To warm a climate-change denier
Some guy, maybe, like George Will
Raise a glass to him, refill!
With water from a melting glacier
Garnished with a dead acacia
One part gin to two parts bile
A lump of anthracite. The style
Is drink it with a splash of doubt
Holding your left pinkie out
One's enough to get Charles Kraut-
Hammered. Then refill the glass
To the brim with greenhouse gas.
Standing near an Unskewed Pollster
Grab a cap-gun from your holster
Point it at that fellow there--
The NRA's Wayne LaPierre!
Fire off a nice loud round
Watch the guests all hit the ground
Oh, and that guy with the hair
Reminds me of a billionaire.
Wait, it must be Donald Trump!
Boy that really made him jump
He spilled his drink on David Koch
(Insert here Tea-Party joke.)