In a scene right out of a horror movie, a grizzly bear burst into a school of kelpless young salmon and ate them all. The scale of the destruction is unprecedented for this small Wyoming town. The salmons’ parents are understandably furious with the school’s head master, claiming he knew something fishy was going on and still did nothing. He’s accused of trying to play all the anglers and being an all around pain in the bass. However, the parents say the reel issue here is the lack of guns in salmon schools.
“As a community of salmon, we are a grizzly’s arch enemy. How else can we be expected to defend ourselves from these natural predators if we’re not permitted to carry guns? said one father, or mother. It’s hard to tell the sex of a salmon. Kind of like Chaz Bono.
“Since the beginning of time, grizzlies have gobbled us up and there’s been nothing we could do about it. They’re so big and strong and we’re just tasty and delicious. It’s like living in a fish bowl”, said another parent.
A relative of a cajun-flavored salmon killed in the attack was a bit more animated and tweeted, “Holy mackerel! Are we just supposed to flounder around like helpless victims for the rest of eternity? We need guns in our schools now to prevent more of these types of atrocities down the pike! #BlackenedLivesMatter!”
Betsy DeVos, newly confirmed Dept. of Ed. Head, commented, “See!? I told you! I don’t say these things just for the halibut. The second amendment to the Codstitution gives every fish the right to bear arms against bears! Provided they have arms to bear the arms.” She then went back to reading a second-hand copy of Ruining the Country for Dummies. Upside down.
President Trump, arriving on the scene yesterday afternoon, used the tragedy to promote his inaugural crowd, stating, “This is a terrible tragedy. Not unlike the tragedy of the media saying the crowd at my inauguration was smaller than President Obama’s. Also, you can see my fly is wide open and, contrary to what they say on CNN, I am not hung like a minnow. I’m huge.”
Addressing the crowd full of concerned salmon packed in like sardines, the president added, “Seriously, though, if you’re so scared of these grizzlies, wait ‘til our friends at Monsanto begin pumping you full of GMO’s. You won’t need guns. You’ll be huge. No grizzly would want to f%$k with a nine-foot, 330lb. salmon. You’re welcome.”
Then, late last night, in a move that stunned conservationists everywhere and created a backlash amongst many of his piers, the president inexplicably called for an immediate ban on Scottish, Norwegian, and Mexican salmon, saying, “It’s the smoked salmon from outside our borders that are the biggest drag. They’re the gillty ones. As much as we like to say, ‘caviar emptor,’ these foreign fish are corrupting our nation’s streams and rivers and luring the grizzlies to attack because they smelt so good. We must protect America’s fish from these evil outsiders, put lox on all our borders, and make America bait again. Carp Diem!”
Steve Bannon, the president’s top advisor and known whitefish supremacist, agreed. “We need to keep the foreign salmon out. The last thing we need in this country are more jiggers,” he boldly stated.
While numerous celebrities have come forward to criticize the ban, including former Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatchery, Alevin of Alevin and the Chipmunks, hall of fame pitcher John Smolt, Allstar outfielder Mike Trout, and legendary sole singer, Dave Prater, of 60s R&B duo Salmon Dave, the president defends his decision, saying the order wll pass without a snag.
“Everyone supports the ban. Don’t believe the tadpoles from the left. They’re all fake newts. If Justice Scaleia were alive, he’d approve it in a minute.”
Cheers erupted from the first roe of planted Trump supporters, while some in the back, not willing to let the president off the hook, called him a clueless chum. The president, hearing the remarks, shouted back, “You’re lucky! If this were the good ole days, I’d make you walk the plankton.”
A statement released just moments after the attack by Dr. Rod Enhand, head of the team of sturgeons tending to the wounded, said, “My first thought after herring the news was, I hope this incident doesn’t spawn several more copy catfish killers. Let’s all agree to try a little tartar.” Dr. Enhand will be receiving the Nobel Prize in physics next month for his work in molecular fishin.
A study conducted by renowned wildlife expert, Dr. Anne Chovey, examining all grizzly attacks in 2016, and the pros/cons of putting guns in salmon schools, will be published in March by the Babbling Brookings Institute.