Grocery shopping as a single person is pretty unremarkable: You jot down a list, head to the store, pick up a few items and you’re on your merry way. Once you’re married, grocery shopping becomes an all-consuming, never-ending task.
You and your spouse will find yourselves regularly arguing over the grocery budget, not seeing eye-to-eye on the definition of quality produce and texting each other “Hey, do we need anything from the store?” over and over and over again.
Below, we’ve gathered 22 relatable tweets that accurately — and hilariously — sum up the experience of grocery shopping after marriage.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) October 7, 2018
Cashier: ...why are you telling me this?
*spends 45 minutes at grocery store trying to pick out a good tomato*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 23, 2018
[back at home]
WIFE: they didn’t have any better tomatoes?
My wife and I both separately went to the grocery store hungry, and now we have 25 lbs of snacks
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2017
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 2, 2017
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 28, 2018
Don’t tell me the spark is gone.
Wife: Want to go grocery shopping with me?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2018
Me: I'm kind of busy.
Wife:
Me: My schedule just opened up.
When your husband volunteers to help put away groceries, it's so he can hide the brownies and doesn't have to share.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 15, 2015
Magically, my wife texted me more items for the grocery list once I was in the parking lot having completed the initial grocery list.
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) February 5, 2019
I can do an entire grocery shopping trip in the time it takes my wife to decide which bag of avocados to buy.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 3, 2017
Grocery store is giving out wine and beer samples so the wife and I rented a movie on our iPad and are chilling for the night in aisle 18.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 4, 2017
My husband went grocery shopping 1st thing this morning.
— m🏖mma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) January 13, 2018
I guess he didn’t like the pasta w/ ketchup sauce and garlic english muffins we had for dinner.
My wife asked me to get up early tomorrow to pick something up from the grocery store.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 17, 2017
Wife (the next morning): You actually did that?
Someone drew doughnuts on the bottom of the grocery list
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2016
My wife thought it was cute so she bought them
She doesn't need to know it was me pic.twitter.com/qmdoCc9sDO
I'm no Christian Grey but from time to time I've been known to deviate from the grocery list my wife gives me.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 13, 2017
[grocery store]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 12, 2017
me *hits back of wife's leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My wife’s superpower is feigning the inability to get simple items from the store, ensuring that I do all the grocery shopping. It’s ingenious.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 3, 2019
I sent my husband to the grocery store for fresh parsley, he came home with a snowblower and a jar of dehydrated onions. Marriage is delightful.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) January 3, 2019
