We’ve all been there: You check your phone and see over 100 unread texts thanks to a group chat. The more this happens, the more it can start to feel overwhelming.
The sheer volume of messages and rapidly changing conversation topics may leave you feeling stuck and unsure of how to respond.
“There’s something uniquely anxiety-producing about group text chats due to the sheer massive number of messages, very quickly going from zero to hundreds of notifications in a matter of seconds,” said Becky Stuempfig, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “When we see so much activity happening, it creates a sense of panic and often results in difficulty with separating from the phone due to fear of missing out.”
But group texts don’t have to be a source of stress. Below, Stuempfig and licensed marriage and family therapist Nicole M. Ward share their advice for making the experience less draining.
Designate set times to review group chats
“I recommend choosing certain times of the day when you plan to catch up on texts,” Stuempfig said. “Many people find it helpful to choose three 20-minute windows per day, one in the morning, afternoon and evening, where they read and respond to messages. By doing so, you avoid feeling like you spent the entire day trying to keep up, and it decreases anxiety caused by receiving constant alerts.”
Establishing a text routine also allows you to consume the information in a state that is mentally and emotionally optimal for you. Don’t feel pressure to engage in the conversation when you aren’t in the right headspace. You can always chime in later and use the feature where you reply to a specific text bubble within the conversation as you catch up.
“If you know that the thread is more active at night and you are going to wake up to a bunch of texts, ground yourself and take some time for yourself before you read them,” Ward said. “If the topic is a stressful one, set aside a certain time of the day to respond. If it is helpful, you can help set people’s expectations: ‘I want to be able to give this my full attention so I’ll respond after ___.’”
Turn off notifications
“My advice for coping with the stress of trying to keep up with group text chats includes putting yourself in control of your notifications rather than notifications controlling how you spend your time,” Stuempfig said. “To do this, I recommend turning off all notification alerts. No sounds, no banners, no vibrating ― nothing.”
Turning off notifications gives you the ability to be more intentional about how you spend your time.
“When we are alerted by sounds and buzzing, it pulls us out of real-life moments,” Stuempfig explained. “It interrupts our in-person socializing, our momentum with work projects, homework, family time, relaxing time, sleep ― all of the necessary positive activities for our mental health.”
If you have an iPhone, make use of the “Focus” settings like the “Do Not Disturb” mode. You can designate certain times of day when your phone will automatically go into this mode. You can also set exceptions for certain contacts and apps, so you don’t have to worry about missing that important call from your boss or best friend.
“Boundaries extend to our text communication.”
- Nicole M. Ward, licensed marriage and family therapist
Keep group chats small, if possible
Of course, we can’t change the size of our friend groups. But if you’re starting a new text chat, really think about how many people you’re inviting.
“I recommend minimizing the number of people on group chats so that the notifications are not quite as overwhelming,” Stuempfig said. “Anything over four to five people is going to create hundreds of notifications within seconds once a conversation starts. These large group chats are extremely hard to manage and create a feeling of constantly needing to check to see what is being discussed.”
Conduct your group chats in a separate app
Part of the reason group chats can feel so stressful is that they show up alongside all of the individual text communication you’re having.
One potential solution is to conduct your big group conversations in separate apps. GroupMe and WhatsApp are popular options, and I have several group chats in the Facebook Messenger app.
Designating a separate space for these ongoing group discussions is another way to assert control over the situation and feel less overwhelmed. Checking the thread and engaging in the conversation becomes an opt-in situation.
Pin texts
I’ve long lamented the fact that you can’t mark texts as unread. It just feels too easy to inadvertently let communications fall through the cracks if you can’t respond immediately.
One solution I’ve come up with is adding “respond to X” to my to-do list when I receive a message that requires a more meaningful reply and don’t have the bandwidth to immediately offer it. I’ve added “catch up on college group chat” to the list as well.
Another option is to use the text-pinning feature. If you notice a group chat is popping off but can’t respond in the moment, pin the conversation so it’s at the top of your Messages app. That way, you’ll remember to check in with it later and can unpin it once you’ve replied to the parts you want to engage with.
Take it off the thread
Just because certain conversations are happening in group text threads doesn’t mean they can only happen in that medium. In fact, some topics lend themselves better to verbal communication.
Ward advised moving certain discussions to Zoom or an in-person meetup.
“Take the conversation out of the chat and have a verbal conversation instead,” Ward said. “For example, planning may be completed in a five-minute conversation vs. a day worth of text.”
Take breaks
You don’t have to reply to everything in an ongoing group chat. If the topic is impacting your mental health, it’s fine to take a break and come back to the conversation when it feels less overwhelming.
“We all can benefit from consumption breaks,” Ward said. “If the chat is retelling or rehashing current events, that may contribute to feeling stressed. If it is about illness or death, that can also shift mood.”
You can let your friends know that you be taking a pause or leave the chat for a longer stretch and ask to be added back later if you’d like.
“Boundaries extend to our text communication, so it is good to examine when and how you are utilizing your boundaries,” Ward said.
Practice mindfulness
Even if you make some changes, you might still find yourself feeling overwhelmed at certain times. It can be helpful to try some mindfulness exercises.
“In the moment, you can also give yourself some quick stress releases,” Ward said. “Take a deep breath. Use your five senses to ground yourself to the environment.”
Practicing mindfulness can involve deep breathing, meditating, taking a walk or otherwise shifting your focus.
“It’s important that when we take breaks from our phones, we engage in restorative activities that feel relaxing for our brains and bodies,” Stuempfig said. “We are faced with so much digital input throughout our days that it can feel foreign to people when they slow down, but we all need breaks from the adrenaline rush. Taking a walk without bringing a phone with you or silencing texts and only allowing calls from emergency contacts can be a great way to refresh ourselves.”
