If you want to start a war, mess with someone’s guacamole.
You can upset friends and loved ones just by adding any of the following ingredients to their favorite guacamole recipe: diced tomatoes, cilantro, onion, garlic (or heaven forbid, onion powder or garlic powder) or lemon juice. But those are the least of the offenders ...
The next-level crimes against guacamole are adding ingredients like pomegranate seeds, bacon, red pepper or parsley. But it gets worse.
We’ve identified eight of recent history’s worst blasphemes against guacamole, starting with the most recent and working our way back. If you decide to commit any of these sins in your own kitchen, you’re on your own.
1. That time Antoni Porowski from ‘Queer Eye’ added Greek yogurt to guacamole
Implying there’s anything imperfect about Porowski feels like harming a bunny, so this one is difficult to talk about. But on Episode 1 of the “Queer Eye” reboot, so-called food expert Porowski did such an injustice to guacamole that it launched a thousand theories about whether he’s ever actually stepped foot in a kitchen.
His mistake involved Greek yogurt.
“I’m gonna teach you how to make a guac from scratch,” Porowski said to his student. Fair enough: He used avocado, salt, lime juice and cilantro. “This is pretty much all that you need for a guacamole.”
Correct. He should have stopped there.
But he continued, “One thing I like to add my guac? I like things to be super creamy. I’m like, a dairy freak. So this is tangy Greek yogurt. It has so much less fat than sour cream, and it has a lot of flavor. I like to put a little spoon in there.”
But there’s one problem. Sour cream has no business being in guacamole in the first place, much less a sour cream replacement. Need proof? Sandra Lee puts sour cream in hers. Case closed.
But Porowski has scored a cookbook deal since then, so this fiasco didn’t set him too far back.
2. That time Hellmann’s told us to put mayo in guacamole
In 2016, someone at Hellmann’s lost their mind when the @HellmannsUK Twitter account tweeted, “Mayo in guac, it’s better. Trust us. #Grilltopia.”
Surveys have revealed that mayonnaise is the overall preferred condiment of Brits, but that didn’t make things OK for those on the internet. People freaked out.
3. That time The New York Times suggested adding green peas to guacamole, and President Barack Obama immediately shut it down
The following 2015 Twitter exchange explains everything you need to know.
4. That time Marks & Spencer presented the world with ‘Brusselmole’
The British retailer released a very special version of guacamole for its holiday menu in 2015, and it was made with ... Brussels sprouts. It was perhaps its worst holiday gift to the world of all time.
5. That time Bon Appetit put celery in its guac
“Keep Your Teeth Happy With A Crunchy Little Guac,” a Bon Appetit headline declared in 2014. “Go home, you’ve had too much to drink,” said the rest of the world.
6, 7 and 8. Let us not forget the sins of many food bloggers who are to blame for a host of terrifying guacamole recipes
While not all bloggers’ guacamole crimes have gone viral, there are some that should. Quartz pointed out a few of the biggest offenders. We won’t share photos, for the sake of your well-being. Here are the worst:
That time a blogger put blue cheese in guacamole.
That other time a blogger put cottage cheese in guacamole.
And finally, that time a blogger put tuna salad in guacamole.
We are done here.
