Topical Magazine is delighted to have 18-year-old global pop music phenomenon Lorde joining us this week as our guest advice columnist! She'll be taking your questions in this special edition issue and giving you her take on whatever you need advice on!
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Dear Lorde,
I started a new job and one of my co-workers is this cute guy who recently graduated from NYU. He's a total babe! I totally have a thing for him but I don't want my romantic and professional life to clash, but I like him more and more everyday! My friends say I shouldn't pursue it, but the more I ignore my crush, the more I like him! What should I do?!
-Allison Greenhalgh, 24, New York City
Allison,
Don't let your friends be such a Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, you should know I've replaced saying "buzz kill" with "Gwyneth Paltrow." First, you need to find out more about him. Try to inconspicuously cut off a lock of his hair. Then try to inconspicuously get him to pee in a cup. Then inconspicuously show up at a protest he's attending in Washington Square Park (he went to NYU, let's be honest). Then inconspicuously corner him at his local bodega and ask him what he thinks about the possibility of you two getting romantically involved. This will determine the possibility of you two getting romantically involved.
Hope this helps!
-Lorde
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Dear Lorde,
OMG!!! BIG fan here. HUGE fan, actually! I don't even want to talk about my problem (I'm a 33-year-old nurse practitioner with a crippling addition to the lazy river at water parks). I just want to gush! I love your songs "Team" and "The Love Club." How can I be just like you?!
-Cameron Lipkin, 33, Atlantic City
Cameron,
Everyone should honor their individuality, but if you want try some things that I sometimes do you can: amalgamate haute couture with fun sportswear. Google "DIY hexes." Hang out by a creek. Walk into Ann Taylor Loft while burning sage. Make a mosaic of Sylvia Plath's face out of baby teeth. Dip your hair in blood and whip it back and forth at a Lady Antebellum concert. Draw a pentagram in a highly concentrated area of body glitter on a sorority girl's shoulder. Google "Is the Blair Witch lonely?" Have a hearty laugh at some popular teens at the mall.
Hope this helps!
-Lorde
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Dear Lorde,
My friends and I started this new punk band called The Sexual Pen Pals. We were wondering if you'd consider us opening for you if we sent you some of our demos! Also, our question is: how do we combat any sort of creative ruts we may face along the way?
-Brian Dobson, 22, Brooklyn
Brian,
I accept this offer! I accept it with a passion of a thousand burning suns, the enthusiasm of a college freshman at their first extracurricular meeting, and the joy of finding out your favorite 90's TV show has just been uploaded to Netflix. In regards to creative blocks: go rent a private room at a karaoke bar and scream yourself hoarse.
Hope this helps!
-Lorde
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Dear Lorde,
My roller derby team, The Varicose Vein Vixens, is throwing our annual benefit BBQ and I feel like every year I'm always the one who is always doing everything. How do I tell my teammates I feel like I'm always picking up everyone's slack without coming off as a Bitter Betsy?
-Sloan "Frosted Tip$" McEwen, 43, Pittsburgh
Sloan,
Smear the darkened, charred part of black forest ham underneath your eyes and take your frustration out on some interns by beating them with brooms. Once you've calmed down a bit, calmly express how you've been feeling to your teammates. Then go off on a 45 minute diatribe expressing how gross the watery discharge that comes out of a freshly opened bottle of ketchup is because, right?!?!
Hope that helps,
-Lorde
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Dear Lorde,
I just had a really tough break-up. We have a close mutual friend who has a birthday coming up and my ex going to be there. I'm still heartbroken over him, what should I do when I inevitably bump into him?
-Jamie Richards, 19, Tampa
Jamie
Keep your head held high and when he asks how you're doing keep repeatedly saying "I'm fine!" while building volume into a scream until he runs away.
Hope this helps!
-Lorde