The rules of wedding etiquette are constantly changing, making it difficult for modern brides, grooms and guests to find up-to-date and correct information. That's why we launched #MannersMondays, a series in which we ask our followers on Twitter and Facebook to submit their most burning etiquette-related questions. Then, with the help of our team of etiquette experts, we get you the right answers to your biggest Big Day dilemmas. Check out this week's question below!
This has been on my mind for seven years! It appears we never got a wedding gift from a couple who are dear friends of ours. I didn't want them to think we weren't sending a thank you note, so I sent a note (based on advice from another wedding website) thanking them for being part of our special day -- figuring if they HAD sent a gift, they'd ask me about it at that point. They never did.
Is there ever a good time to mention it, after all this time? It's not at all about the gift itself -- I just don't want them to think we'd overlooked it or didn't send a proper thank you. Or does it do more damage to ask about it now?
- Still Wondering in Sacramento! (submitted via email)
Anna Post -- great-great-granddaughter of etiquette guru Emily Post and author of Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette -- is here to help us answer this week's question. Find out what she had to say below:
As they are still your good friends seven years on, I’d recommend letting it go. Your initial note thanking them for coming to the wedding was a good place to start, and is what I often recommend as a first step. Even without the subtle prompting, most people who had sent a gift and did not receive a thank-you note (or other casual mention referencing their gift) would ask if their present had arrived. Since that didn’t happen, even after your note, it’s likely that one wasn’t sent. And if it was, they are clearly not hung up on the missing note. (It’s also good to remember that not everyone is aware that sending a wedding gift is expected, so it’s possible they didn’t send one.)
If you do decide to check with your friends, phrase it just as you did in your note here -- it’s been on your mind, and it’s not about the gift. It’s about wanting to avoid any hurt feelings on their part. Just be aware (as I’m betting you already are) that if they didn’t send a gift, they may now feel embarrassed about it, no matter how nice you are. Normally I’m the kind of person who likes to clear up any possible misunderstanding, but in this case revisiting it may just stir up more awkwardness than it resolves.