The Blog

Guidelines for Occupiers

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Welcome to the Long Bottom Tri-County Regional Riparian Refuge! If you're reading this, it means you've disregarded the "Restricted Access" sign at the front gate and are inside the administration bungalow for the purpose of using this site to promote some social or political cause.

Know this: Your beliefs, be they mainstream, unorthodox, or totally mondo-bizarro, are respected. We do, however, ask all members of the group to comply with a few simple requests:

1) No spitting within 25 feet of the building. Common decency, right? And please remember to use the boot scraper on the porch. We didn't put it there for ornamental purposes.

2) Coffee? There's a half-jar of Folgers Crystals in the kitchen cupboard. Use the top left burner on the stove to boil the water. The other burners are kaput. No money in the budget for new appliances -- damn government bean counters -- you know that drill. Sorry!

3) Follow-up to number 2: You actually need to boil ALL tap water before drinking it unless you want to experience Mount St. Helens blowing out of your lower intestine. The well started having problems a year ago. Should be okay for hand washing, but stay alert for rashes or minor blistering.

4) On a related subject do not, repeat, do NOT flush the toilet more than three times a day. The septic system is octogenarian. After three flushes tell everyone to use the slit trench located in back behind the Tuff-Shed. Watch out for rusty nails, too. First-aid supplies are in the medicine cabinet but all we've got is a bottle of iodine, some Milk of Magnesia tablets, and a tin of Bag Balm.

5) Don't attempt to shoot down any drones flying over the property. THE MAN isn't spying on you. Cliff Jensen owns a llama farm over the east ridge and uses them to monitor his herd.

6) When preparing for a news conference, be aware that wireless service in this area is terrible. Best bet is to pick up the phone and call the Forks Super-ette in Canyonville. Ask for Marci. She has all the major media contacts in her Rolodex from previous occupations and is great at getting the word out. Give her plenty of advance notice. She's super-busy every day caring for an old golden retriever that has a tumor the size of a watermelon growing on its neck.

7) Another follow-up: Be sure to let reporters know that anyone who isn't traveling in a vehicle with mobile hygiene facilities will have to use the slit trench. NO EXCEPTIONS not even Anderson Cooper.

8) If the turnout for news conferences drops below five reporters (not counting bloggers) you're probably losing media traction and should consider shifting your awareness-building efforts to a better venue. Just a suggestion -- no pressure.

When you decide to go, feel free to sign the guest book (given names or self-created identities are both acceptable) and take some brochures if you wish. Make sure the beard trimmer in the bathroom is plugged into the re-charger.

Final guideline: Be extra-careful as you exit. The screen door sometimes snaps back really fast. It can, literally, hit your ass on the way out. And nobody, no man, woman, child, avenging god, or tyrannical, unrepresentative, anti-freedom, Constitution-hating, taxpayer-enslaving federal agency wants that to happen.