My wife and I became empty-nesters last summer when our youngest child left the shelter of home and parents for college and all the responsibilities which will now land on her doorstep. She’ll still have a room in our house and access to the washer and dryer, but her graduation signaled a move from childhood towards an adult, self-guided, and self-sustained life.
Anxiety-producing for her and for us, but as the old adage reminds us, “To sit still is to move backward.” We are always inching in the direction of our tomorrows. “Maturing” is one word for that. “Aging” is another.
We are people on a journey which can take us to new places with unfamiliar faces and never-before-experienced responsibilities. It’s part of the “growing up” process that for most of us lasts a lifetime. So, how do we handle the feelings, the fears, the uncertainties that very naturally bubble up? Consider these three suggestions.
1st, Learn lessons from the past.
Whatever happened to us in the past, for better or worse, are teachable moments for those willing to learn, filled with valuable gold nuggets of experience.
The past should teach us the important lesson that we never face life alone. For young persons who move away from home to begin life on a new campus or to begin work in a new city away from lifelong friends and family members, history teaches that there will always be a community of people waiting to embrace us. If we simply make ourselves known to them, discipline ourselves to go where people gather, and keep ourselves open to their movement in our direction, then “friends we haven’t met yet” will find us, and the loneliness we fear will vanish in the mist.
Likewise, by looking back at past successes we gain confidence simply in recognizing that if we possess the wherewithal to succeed in one arena, we can do so in another. And in looking back at past mistakes or even failures, we are equipped with the indescribably valuable knowledge of what not to do or how not to act next time.
2nd, Make plans for the future.
Once we have learned from looking back, it’s time to move forward. My older son, a Substance Abuse Counselor, asks his clients, “What is your plan once you’ve completed treatment?” For those who articulate an idea, he asks, “And what is your Plan B?” The point is that rarely does a “maybe this, maybe that, what if” sort of vision for tomorrow lead to success. Instead, we are drawn into a meaningful future by something specific: by real plans, and backup plans, and action plans to achieve both. Remember the Cheshire Cat’s advice to Alice in Through the Looking Glass: “If you don’t know where you want to go, any road will get you there.” And “there” could be someplace not worth going. One way to minimize anxiety about the future is to know where we want to go and what steps are required to get there. Careful planning and determined journeys lead to desired destinations.
3rd, Trust yourself in the present moment.
By this I mean, trust yourself to adequately learn from the past and properly address your dreams for the future. There comes a moment, having learned from our yesterdays and having envisioned our tomorrows, when (to quote Nike) we “just do it!” But too often, for too many, that moment passes unembraced. Why? Probably it is because we lack the proper self-confidence to take the first step as we ask, “What if I’m wrong? What if I can’t pull it off? What if people don’t like me or accept me? What if I should just settle for things as they are now?”
Michelangelo said: “The greatest danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark.” Remember that, when it is time to “just do it” and take the first step in the direction of our dreams. Dreams need to be lofty to lead us to meaning and satisfaction, but they will never be attained if we lack the confidence to take the first step.
And so we are telling our daughter who recently left the nest: Learn from the past; make strong plans for the future; and then trust yourself to take the first step (and whatever other steps are required). Those are three essentials in the journey toward a future worth having.
To hear more of Dr. Michael Brown’s thoughts, be sure to tune into his new podcast series, Practical Faith, available on iTunes.
The author is Senior Minister of Marble Collegiate Church in New York City. The church is the oldest Protestant organization in North America in continuous service and has a global following online - with worshipers in 47 countries connecting through its live-streamed services.