Gutfeld's Oscar Predictions 2006

Mike Myers shows up with his mother.

Felicity Huffman preaches tolerance.

Jon Stewart opens with a gay cowboy joke, followed by a Cheney joke. This is perceived as "outrageous," a sign that Stewart won't be "muzzled." He turns to self-deprecation when the schtick becomes repetitive.

George Clooney will plant an on-stage kiss on Matt Damon after Matt cites Clooney's "bravery" in "tackling the new McCarthyism" in "Good Night and Good Luck." The entire exchange is about as spontaneous as a shuttle launch.

Meanwhile, Theo Van Gogh remains dead.

Tim Robbins attempts a witty comment at the expense of the religious right. He remains mum on Muslims and cartoons.

Meanwhile, Theo Van Gogh remains dead.

When the announcer describes Brokeback Mountain, the phrase "develop a strong bond" replaces "engage in vigorous anal sex."

When the announcer describes Paradise Now, the phrase "humanizing" replaces "condoning suicide bombings."

When the announcer describes Good Night and Good Luck, the phrase "chilling" replaces "self-congratulatory tripe."

Morgan Freeman's hair has gone more gray, making him appear 65 percent more trustworthy than last year.

Robin Williams will appear on stage for one of his traditional improvisations. He will begin by assuming the voice of Dick Cheney, on a hunting trip, which will then morph into Elmer Fudd, then into George Bush. He will finish with a mincing impersonation of gay cowboys. The whole performance will last just four minutes. It will feel like forty. When it finally ends, the audience is left to grapple with their own problems (for one in four, it's herpes).

Michael Moore breaks his seat, and blames Bush.

Philip Seymour Hoffman says Capote is "a role of a lifetime." He thanks his girlfriend. Twice, to make sure.

Hilary Swank says something about the troops. Meanwhile, the troops think she looks like a really hot boy. Her husband Chad, however, is on the phone to brother Rob. Rob needs to tell him the truth, but now is not the time.

Jamie Foxx is having a good time. He's been accepted.

Martin Scorsese hugs yet another man. It's a warm, affectionate hug.

Someone on stage makes a Vin Diesel joke. Somewhere in LA, Diesel is having sex with a stripper. "Laugh all you want," he says. "She thinks I'm a doctor."

Whoever gets the honorary Oscar would trade it in for a functioning bladder.

Ben Affleck receives a posthumous award.