If you're a single lady on Tinder, you know how fun it is to spend hours swiping left and right (but mostly left) with your friends, laughing about all of the douchebags with airbrushed abs and several different shades of fedoras. If you're a single guy on Tinder, you probably had no idea women did this. They do. A lot. I'm sorry to terrify you.
But, fellas, since this is the reality, there are things you can do to avoid being the laughing stock of a girls' night in. GQ recently released a video where women browsed Tinder and made snap judgments (because let's be real, Tinder is an app solely for snap judgments) on the profiles they came across, pointing out all of the things that prompted a hard left swipe.
In the video five pairs of women swiped 634 times, and 564 of those swipes were left. That's about 89 percent. If you want to be in the sweet 11 percent that gets a right swipe, then here are a few things you can do to improve your chances.
The number one most important thing about your Tinder profile is your photo, obviously. Tinder isn't about personalities, but having one never hurts.
Avoid selfies. Ninety percent of selfies had a negative reaction in the video. Worse than a selfie is a photo with a group of people. Thirty left swipes were due to group photos. We have no idea which one you are, and we "don't have time for this shit," as one woman says in the video. We really don't.
Exotic animals in photos are also a huge no-no. We don't care that you swam with dolphins in Puerto Vallarta, or held a panda in Japan. Just be attractive. That's all we ask. No one's going to cage dive with sharks with you. Like one woman in the video so eloquently puts it, "I can't do all that for dick." Amen.
Worse than posing with an elephant or lemur, is posing with a child. In the video, 98 percent of photos with children caused a negative reaction. "Don't put a photo with a child on Tinder," one woman pleads. "[Tinder's] about sex. It's so weird." If we don't have time for shark diving, we don't have time to be little Timmy's stepmom.
Dogs are okay. Twenty-eight percent of animal photos resulted in right swipes, and 100 percent of those were dogs. But don't even think about posing with a female friend, or god forbid, an ex-girlfriend. Ninety-six percent of photos with women received negative reactions. "If you have a picture with a girl, you just don't know how to use Tinder, and you don't know how to use life," one woman says.
Now that we've made it clear you should have a photo of JUST YOURSELF, that is NOT A SELFIE, we also must specify you should be wearing a shirt and very limited (if any) accessories. The ultimate Tinder offense? Hats.
Photos with hats caused a negative reaction 99 percent of the time. And why shouldn't they? If you're wearing a newsboy cap, you're either a teenager auditioning for Newsies, or you're an actual paperboy, neither of which is a turn on.
Style resulted in 84 left swipes in the video, so take it seriously, guys. Avoid scarves and suspenders, and as one woman accurately points out, "What goes well with a vest?" Suits are okay, apparently, if you're also really hot. To be honest, you could be riding a dolphin in a newsboy hat with a baby on your lap and you'd probably still get a swipe right if you're really hot.
Moral of the story: Tinder is shallow. Just do the best with what you got. But not if what you got is a photo of you taking a Jello shot out of your ex's cleavage.