It's Halloween, all of the local construction companies are sold out of wrecking balls, you're sitting there alone next to that "Sexy Lorax" costume you made last year out of 50 potatoes and a live Persian cat, and now you're panicking.
Well, put the cat down and panic no longer.
(Actually, don't put the cat down. Just place him down. Unlike the 30 people in those wrecking ball costumes in your town this Halloween, the cat deserves to live.)
We're covered in blood now because we've spent all day combatively and painfully ripping a bunch of costumes from the headlines. We also risked electrocution by pulling a few of 'em straight from your television set.
We got jolted a few times. Oh my God, we feel so alive right now. Have you ever felt more alive? Wear one of these costumes and experience the rush of electrocution. -- Ben Collins
Costumes for One
1. Former Disney Star
What You'll Need: Mickey Mouse ears, handcuffs, a headless bat, rehab release papers, a severed rabbit head, booze, a bottle of "Molly" (or any other drug of your choice), a wig in the weirdest color and style you can find, and a neon bikini.
Summary: Now we're not naming any names, dance moves, or award shows here, but you can embody the spirit of every former Mouseketeer or Disney Channel star gone wild by going absolutely crazy-go-nuts on All Hallow's Eve. Stick your tongue out, get your freak on, and say whatever you want. The Mouse has no control over you now. -- Mallory Carra
2. Kimmel's Twerking Girl on Fire
What You'll Need: Flame retardant yoga pants, opportunely placed glass coffee table, precariously positioned tea-light candles, and a fire extinguisher.
Summary: It's a big year for dance crazes (yes, "Gangnam Style" was that recent), and not since the Macarena have we been this excited about looking this stupid. To nail this costume, just find a high traffic doorway, up-end yourself, and let gravity do its thing. If you're concerned about perfecting your upside down booty shake, don't worry -- failing is the point. Third degree burns add a cute touch. -- Rudy Martinez
3. The Marvel Universe
What You'll Need: Green face paint, Captain America's shield, Thor's hammer, Iron Man's gloves, Wolverine's claws, Spider-Man's spandex, Ghost Rider's flaming skull, and a Howard the Duck beak.
Summary: Love Marvel comics? Love group costumes but don't have any friends (which may or may not have to do with your love of Marvel comics)? Have we got the Halloween costume for you! Express your passion by dressing up as every single Marvel superhero, all at the same time. When the massively profitable Marvel universe eventually takes over the actual universe, you'll already be one step ahead. -- Kristin Knox
4. One Direction
What You'll Need: Cardboard or card stock of any color cut into the shape of an arrow.
Summary: Don't have enough friends to actually go as the British boy band sensation? No worries, mate. Wear your arrow pointing in the right direction, and you're also American pop culture royalty and Kimye progeny North West. These two costumes in one are perfect for the lazy, lonely Halloween party-goer. -- Katherine Rea
5. Someone, Anyone, from Breaking Bad
What You'll Need: A bunch of stuff from your parents' house.
Summary: Chances are, if you wanted to dress as Walter White or Jesse Pinkman this year, you're already out of luck. The stores have been out of yellow hazmat suits for weeks, but you can still show your devotion to Heisenberg and the gang. Comb-over toupee + your dad's suit from 1995 + a Hello Kitty cell phone = Saul Goodman. Striped polo shirt + crutches + hearty breakfast = Walt Jr. Purple top + purple skirt + purple handbag full of stolen tchotchkes = Marie. -- Courtney Hyde
6. Instagram
What You'll Need: A bunch of print-outs of pictures of food, feet on the beach, sunsets, food, clouds, freshly-painted fingernails, so many selfies, food, and blurry concert pics. Hashtags optional.
Summary: Bring everyone's favorite photo feed to life by covering your body in banal images that use only the most blown out and pseudo-vintage filters available. Making mundane plates of food and random selfies seem noteworthy, you'll be the person the party checks out when they're feeling bored or awkward -- just like their phone! Just watch out for those who want to Instagram a totally meta selfie with you. #meta #selfie #instagramofinstagram -- Mallory Carra
7. Jennifer Lawrence
What You'll Need: Sign around your neck that says, "Not drunk, just Jennifer Lawrence," and lots of booze.
Summary: This is only slightly mean-spirited and mostly deserved, considering this girl has mispronounced Bill Clinton's name, let the F-bomb slip on live TV, fell on her face on her way to accept her Oscar, flipped off the press, and come close to hitting a family with her car because she thought she saw Honey Boo Boo. We love her anyways. -- Katherine Rea
8. Ryan Gosling Won't Eat His Cereal
What You'll Need: Spoon, cereal, glue, dapper suit, stubble, and your best angsty bedroom eyes.
Summary: Celebrate one of the best memes of the year and remind everyone at your Halloween party why Ryan Gosling is just too cool for breakfast. Glue some cereal pieces to a spoon and have your friend try to force-feed you the stuff all night -- while you artfully turn your head an pout. "Hey Girl" quotes optional. -- Kristin Knox
9. Sharknado
What You'll Need: Hollow, life-size rubber shark with wide-open mouth (good luck with that), a chainsaw, and buckets of fake blood.
Summary: What better way to immortalize that awesomest, campiest TV event of 2013? BUt anyone can (and will) tape some toy sharks to a grey sweatsuit and call themselves a sharknado. If you really want to step it up, go as the most epic moment of all: the guy diving straight into a shark's belly, chainsaw first. Place your head and torso deep inside the shark's mouth, carve out a chunk with a chainsaw for a viewing hole, and liberally apply the fake blood. Voila! To go the extra, extra mile, convince a female friend to climb in there first. -- Kristin Knox
Group/Couples Costumes
1. Twitter Feud
What You'll Need: Print-outs of celebrity Twitter Feeds. LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS.
Summary: You and your friend tape the Twitter feeds of feuding celebs (i.e., Kimmel and Kanye; Miley and Sinead) to your clothes and stand on opposite sides of the party. Every so often, get into a brawl with each other or throw food. It's crucial that you do it all loudly. -- Martin Moakler
2. Honey Boo Boo's Mom's Wedding
What You'll Need: Camo-couture wedding gown, reflective safety vest (for the groom), neck curst, plenty of vagiggle-jaggle.
Summary: Perfect for the generously proportioned do-it-yourselfer. Step one: Don't shower. Step two: Drape your body in a camouflage hunting tent. Step three: Cinch the tent at the waist with a roll of orange duct tape. Step four: Demonstrate the intestinal functions of your body with no shame. Step five: No shame whatsoever. -- Rudy Martinez
3. Reality Show Judges
What You'll Need: At least two friends, a tight black v-neck, a Persian cat, large Coke glasses, a buzzer.
Summary: Perfect if your party is filled with generally awful people. Walk around with your friends and tell everyone how amateur their costumes look, then make catty comments about their intellect before yelling at them to get off the stage. When they react to your rudeness, buzz them and tell them to get off the stage. When they tell you there's no stage, make a joke about Ryan Seacrest and throw to commercial. See how long before you get asked to leave. -- Martin Moakler
4. Kimye Nativity Scene
What You'll Need: One friend (preferably of the opposite gender), leather jogging pants and/or Ray-Bans (to play a god, er, Kanye), fake eyelashes and a fake black wig, swaddling clothes, a few halos, and a baby doll. Or a real baby, if you have one on hand.
Summary: Kristmas kame early this year, everyone. This naughty(isn) nativity scene features the self-proclaimed Yeezus/god Kanye, his lovely partner Kim as the Virgin Mary (yay, irony!), and little North as Baby Yeezus, the tiny Khrist Child. One big, happy, only mildly blasphemous family. -- Katherine Rea
5. Government ShutDownton Abbey
What You'll Need: 1920s fashion, but bloodied up.
Summary: With no money to run the estate, Downton shuts down and becomes a dystopian thunderdome of class on class warfare. Every day the Crawleys struggle to survive while the help hunts them down to make them pay for generations of misanthropy. Also doubles as a Zombie Gatsby costume. -- Martin Moakler
6. Stefon's Wedding
What You'll Need: A suite and tie, a gaudy graffiti t-shirt paired with a wedding veil, and an entourage of friends willing to dress up as human traffic cones, homeless RoboCops, Jewish Cupids, Fat Urkels, German Smurfs, Gizblow the coked-up Gremlin, and a screaming geisha.
Summary: The nation rejoiced when "SNL" Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers rescued his true love, Stefon, from an ill-advised marriage to Anderson Cooper in the season finale. With a spectacular swathe of Stefon's night-life friends to choose from, this Halloween costume has everything -- whether a screaming geisha or Mrs Seth Meyers himself is more your speed. --Naivasha Dean