Hangovers: We Road-Test Them

There are many hangovers on the market, ranging in strength and complexity from 'just grab a couple of paracetamol' to 'might actually have given myself a disease'. But with all this variety, which one to choose? To find out we conducted a series of controlled hangover trials; drink nothing but the singular type of alcohol in question, achieve a level of drunkenness where you would happily hump a Volkswagen Jetta and then, bang, head for bed.  Points were awarded for depth, longevity and memorability with bonus points for artistic merit. These were all added together in order to achieve a final all round viciousness value which we hope will aid in your selection.

Result: Appear to have thrown up in own shoe. Dog is looking at me funny. Took a while to figure out why. Think I may have drunk his water. God I hope that's what it was. Skin has gone a funny colour. Think I've got jaundice. Landlord tests fire alarm system. Not directly gin's fault but not improving matters. Beg Girlfriend to kill me. Girlfriend says she's thinking about it. 
Viciousness Value: 8/10

Result: Tried to open eyes. One eye is in agony. Other one won't open. Think this stuff has turned me into a cyclops. Cover functioning eye and attempt to reach bathroom. Attempt fails. Now foot hurts too. Weird taste in mouth. Tastes like a weasel has crawled in there and died. Parts of brain no longer functioning. Appears to be parts involved with speech. Would write to communicate need for ambulance but would mean opening eyes. Lie very still and pray to newly reaffirmed deity for mercy. None appears forthcoming.
Viciousness Value:  8/10

Result: Awake to lingering feeling of shame. May have exposed myself to neighbor. Neighbor is ninety-two and has a heart condition, so may have killed neighbor. No answer at her door. GF starts shouting about how much longer this is going to go on for. Can't answer, crying. Look in wallet and find receipts from previous evening. Crying intensifies. 
Viciousness Value: 7/10

Result: I have been peeing for three hours straight. Also strong possibility I threw up in own mouth. Shortness of breath. Not sure what I ate last night but pretty sure it wants out. Groin aches. Not sure if this is related. Think I may have permanently injured something.
Viciousness Value: 7/10

Result: Whoever said you don't get a hangover from vodka is a lying b*****d. Feels like someone has committed a crime of outrage in my mouth. Remember insisting on telling all bartenders I was a bartender. Think they may have poisoned me. Girlfriend storms out of room. Girlfriend starts vacuuming. Girlfriend is a b***h.
Viciousness Value: 7/10

Result: Open eyes. Scream like the chick in Psycho. Close eyes. Doesn't help. Place pillow over eyes. Still doesn't help. Lock myself in cupboard. Helping. Smells funny. Some panic. Regret every decision that brought me to this place. 
Viciousness Value: 9/10

Result: Sweating. Have soaked sheets. God I hope it's sweat. Move to couch. Girlfriend won't let me on couch because of what I did to bed. Curl into ball by radiator. Warm. Drank so many Sidecars, have half a litre of lemon juice in stomach. Want to die, but on plus side have zero chance of scurvy. GF threatens to beat me unless I pack this experiment in soon.
Viciousness Value: 8/10

WINE (White)
Result: Thought I had dodged the bullet on this one. Stayed very still in case It noticed I was awake. Nothing. Got up. Took shower. Still nothing. Ate Coco Pops. Faint pain in head. Ponder if I am actually still drunk. Get one leg in trousers...head explodes in pain! Dawning realization of being tricked. It's The Dreaded Creeper! Flail in agony. Trousers tangle round feet. Fall on floor. Throw up on floor. Raise head pitifully to see GF glaring at me. Throw up on girlfriend. Girlfriend not happy.  
Viciousness Value: 8/10

WINE (Red)
Result: The thirst! The unquenchable thirst! Have drunk all my water. Would sell left kidney for a Gatorade right now. Not sure kidney is worth much but offer would be there. Beg GF to get me a glass of water. GF starts laughing hysterically. Think I may have broken her. Lick condensation off window whilst mewling pitifully. Would cry but lack moisture to effectively generate tears. Crawl to shower. Activate shower. Lie on floor in shower. Open mouth. Not leaving shower. 
Viciousness Value: 9/10

And the winner is;
The final result was a respectable draw between Bourbon/Whiskey and Wine (Red.) Red wine's combination of sheer naked thirst and pitiful mewling, added to a desire to sing sad songs to myself in the dark, was quite breathtaking; whilst the sheer unadulterated agony of Bourbon/Whiskey, akin in many ways to having a rabid beaver let loose in your own skull made it difficult to overlook. Congratulations to both.

If you have ever test-driven a particularly virulent hangover and would like to share please let us know in the comments section below, via bezerkskrankenhaus.com or tweet us @bezerkskhaus.

The very best will feature in upcoming article, Hangovers: The World Speaks.