Dear Twitter,— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) November 22, 2015
Thanksgiving is this week, time to refill your Xanax prescriptions so the time with your family is Xantastix !
Turkey Day is upon us once again! Time for food, football and fun-but for many, Thanksgiving is that special time of year when we can all get together with our loved ones. Sometimes being with family can be a great thing and sometimes that can be a difficult thing. For those of you who are not looking forward to getting together with your families, I have a few tips that I have assembled to help you cope with your family at Thanksgiving:
#1 FAKE YOUR DEATH.
Faking your death is not the optimal way to get out of going to a Thanksgiving meal but it is an option. The positive to faking your death is that most likely you will be able to miss the entire Thanksgiving meal. Unfortunately, the family members that you are trying to escape may organize themselves in a clandestine witch hunt-like manner and come looking for you. When they find you, you will encounter the same unfortunate experience that you would have had you just gone to Thanksgiving dinner in the first place-sans food.
#2 SEDATE WITH PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS.
This option is my preference because enough of almost any drug will suppress any feelings of guilt that your mother gives you when she attempts to send you packing with your emotional baggage on a one-way guilt trip back to your home.
#3 ADULT BEVERAGES.
During this festive holiday season some people choose to suppress their feelings by consuming a tremendous amount of alcoholic beverages. Wild Turkey is the obvious choice and most fitting for the occasion-however contrary to popular opinion in my home state, Wild Turkey is NOT liquid Thanksgiving Dinner or a legitimate side item to bring as a contribution to the meal. Some people bring their friends Jim Beam and Jack Daniels to help them cope with dealing with their condescending parents. You cannot be too careful, as over-consumption can cause alcohol poisoning-which can extend your stay at the very place you do not wish to be...with your family.
#4 BRING A FRIEND.
You may choose to bring a friend to your family Thanksgiving dinner so the attention is distracted away from inevitable parental condescension and disappointments that will be pointed out about you during the course of the evening. The relationship of the 'friend' doesn't matter. Bring an innocent date you're afraid to reject, then let your family scare them away for you. Introducing an unwanted suitor to your family is the perfect way to rid yourself of them in the future. You may want to bring a hungry buddy who you know your parents will think you look better than in comparison. Even if you don't have any friends, some lifelong friendships have been made with the contents of a smuggled flask during s stressful Thanksgiving meal. Frankly, anyone or anything that distracts the attention from you is a legitimate date.
On Thanksgiving we each bring something for dinner-Dad brings condescension, mom brings her disappointment, & I bring my depression & Xanax.
— Nathan (@stockejock) November 27, 2014
#5 SHAME-EAT YOURSELF INTO A COMA.
If you have no meds, no friends and no booze-overeating may be your game. If so-congratulations, you're an average American. After all, overeating is America's favorite national pastime-so you've made it! Congratulations and welcome to the club. We seem to overeat for every holiday on the calendar, but compared to the average holiday, Thanksgiving Day is the Christmas of overeating. I'm fairly sure that on no other holiday are more calories consumed. Members of my family have been known to max out their daily caloric intake before the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is over.
Whatever your poison, choose wisely so you can make it all the way through the day. If you'll be at your in-law's house, turning up the volume of the football game and pretending to be asleep or passed out on the couch can come in very handy at drowning out the sounds of disappointment and complaining from a mother or father-in-law. This Thanksgiving, every member of my family has agreed to bring something for dinner. My father will bring his condescension, my mother her disappointment and I'll bring my Xanax and depression for dessert. I've already checked the weather and just like every Thanksgiving, the weatherman is calling for a bi-Polar Vortex hovering over my parent's house. Don't worry, I'll be prepared. I'll have an Uber on speed dial and an umbrella for the impending poo-storm. Keep an eye on the sky and another on your 6 o'clock or as Kenny Rogers would say, 'You gotta know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run'.
Have a great Thanksgiving and if you can't find anything to be thankful for, be thankful that a Thanksgiving Day with your family only comes once a year or you can be thankful that you don't have to make up crap to be thankful for in your Facebook posts anymore. See?...think positive and remember-there are a lot of lonely people in this world who have no one to spend Thanksgiving with...no home, no food, no family...nothing. If you're seriously down or depressed, look around you and find someone hurting or less fortunate and love them. Even if you think you have nothing to give-you're wrong, you have your time, your love, yourself. That's what it's all about anyway-trust me, I was one of four snotty-nosed children of a single mother trying to survive on welfare, food stamps, and the generosity of loving people. You'll never know what an impression your simple gift or attention will make on a struggling child or hurting mother. Love someone. Be happy. Be thankful. Give someone a hug and tell them that you love them. Forgetting about one's own happiness to care for the happiness of other's is one of the greatest sources of happiness to be found in this difficult journey we call life. I may not know you, but I love you. Love others, and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!