Happy Uberdays: Or, 8 Ways Uber Could Save Your Holiday Season

Last week it came to my attention that for a $30 "Snuggle Fee" -- Uber, the pioneering personal driver service valued at about a gazillion dollars -- will periodically deliver kittens for cuddling.

Delivered KITTENS for CUDDLING, people. Plus, the proceeds go to a local animal shelter. Uber + Kittens + Charity = Heaven on Wheels.

Which got me thinking: What other ways might UBER improve our lives, especially during the holiday season?

Here, in no order whatsoever, are my ideas:

Uber Bouncer -- Useful for any gathering, family or otherwise, where a certain guest has been overserved. Everyone wants the guest to leave, and hisses at each other in the kitchen that "someone really ought to do something," but no one actually does anything. Enter Uber Bouncer, where the service does double duty. Not only does the Uber Bouncer, um, bounce the guest from the premises; he also drives him home.

Uber Bartender -- For the party where there is no booze -- whether due to religious persuasion, recovery, or confusion about who was supposed to pick up the wine -- Uber Bartender will arrive to dispense drinks from the safety of the neighbor's driveway (check with the neighbor first!). Like an ice cream truck for adults, Uber Bartender's ride will be quipped with margaritas instead of frozen Mars bars, and beer in lieu of root beer floats.

Uber Therapist -- Uber Therapist's passenger sat reclines like a couch, so you can steal away from the party for 30 minutes for talk therapy. Fortified by professional advice, you can re-enter your family gathering with a newfound confidence that it isn't you who is crazy; it's definitely them. (Don't think about the fact that you're the one who needs the therapist on call. Circular logic that will require a second call to Uber Therapist.)

Uber Buffer -- You love your family, of course. But sometimes every family needs a buffer person -- someone whose mere presence ratchets down the crazy. Uber Buffer will send a great conversationalist who well-versed in the art of steering conversations away from difficult topics. If you get really lucky, Uber Buffer may perform distracting card tricks or make balloon animals.

Uber Rescue -- Let's imagine you are on the worst date in history. Grandma set you up with Vinny the Vodka Drinker (so you don't have to go to all the holiday parties dateless, of course). Uber Rescue to the rescue! Uber will deliver an out-of-work actor to posing as your cousin. He will run into the restaurant dining room shouting your name. When you say, "Oh my goodness, that's my cousin!" -- essential, since he has never before seen you -- the "cousins" will rush over and demand you come with him right away, because there is a vague (but terrible!) family emergency you must attend to. Mumbling apologies as you grab your purse, you can leave Vinny alone... with the bill.

Uber Stand-In -- For the family gathering where you would be the only single person for the fifth year in a row (not that anyone is counting), and thereby subjected to an entire evening of love life interrogation, Uber Stand-In will provide a date. She will be so charming and lovely that your only issue will be how to make everyone like your actual girlfriend next Christmas.

Uber Envy -- Perfect for the night you run into your ex, Uber will send a handsome model to dote on you. Looking every inch the devoted lover, he will whisper sweet nothings in your ear until your ex looks over -- at which time he will dip you into a party-stopping kiss. Then you and your "date" will make a hasty exit, ostensibly to do what lovers do. (No one needs to know that you and your "date" part two blocks from the party.)

Uber X-TREME: All of the above in one large van, dispensed like a SWAT team to disarm the ticking bomb that is your family/party/date. Ten times the price of any one UBER service, but infinitely less pricey than a mental breakdown.

These ideas are my gift to Uber.com and the world, and I give them freely.

But if Uber wants to give me free holiday rides in return, I will not object.

PS: There is the most obvious way Uber already saves the holidays: it leaves us with no excuse to drink and drive. Did you have one (or five) too many? Put your keys away, get out your smartphone and order an Uber. Then hailing Uber won't just save your holiday season; it just might save your life.