Harold Camping Only Person to Be Raptured

OAKLAND, CA -- Harold Camping, the radio evangelist who predicted the Rapture would take place on May 21, 2011, was reportedly raptured on Saturday at 6:00 p.m. just as he foretold.

"Yeah, I mean I haven't seen him since Saturday around six, so I'm just assuming he got raptured," said David Howard, one of Mr. Camping's most trusted followers. "I think it's pretty lame I wasn't raptured, though. I gave Mr. Camping pretty much all the money I had."

Pundits, members of the media and theologians have been openly ridiculing Mr. Camping and his apparent miscalculation when nothing seemed to happen over the weekend. Camping's group argues that something did happen: the entire world, except for Camping, has been left behind.

"Unfortunately, our souls weren't as pure as his," said Mr. Howard. "We're going to have to suffer the horrors of End Times without our leader."

Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, held a press conference this morning to put the matter to rest.

"Yes, I raptured him," said the Son of God. "But not because it was Judgment Day. I just couldn't bear hearing him go on and on about it anymore. So you're all good... for now."

"Oh, and 2012 is not the end of the world either," added Christ.

No date for Judgment Day has been confirmed.

Crossposted at the Daily Pygmy.