Have you listened? Are you listening? Do you push everything away that doesn't make sense to you? Everything that scares you, you drown with obsession and addiction to some other behavior that takes all your time and leaves you feeling ripped off.
Maybe you are functioning perfectly well. You've got everybody snowed. They believe you are happy. They see your smile, they feel your generosity, they admire your strength. But inside, you are quaking.
There is a part of us we hide because we believe we will be judged.
You know that advice, 'fake it til you make it'? Have you tried that? Or lying, saying you had stuff on your resume you didn't? All the while fearing you'd be found out?
It amazes me how long we can make our days when filled with stuff we're convinced is important.
Meanwhile we walk around with the mask tightly fitted to our face, still hiding the anxiety and fear we feel, the exact emotion that causes the body the most stress, thus the most opportunity to fall back, to rot away, to die off inside first, leaving only an empty shell.
Sometimes people make a breakthrough when they've got nothing to lose, or have suddenly discovered they have limited time left.
Anaïs Nin said it this way: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom."
You know the story of caterpillar at the edge that was thrown off the edge of the cliff and flew.
What if you can say yes to both of these questions:
Are you afraid of living? Are you afraid of dying?
In my journey I have said expressing myself is the healing. Then I reach down and unearth that which I swallowed, squelched and abandoned. I bring it up and release it into the universe of other souls exploring their reason for living.
I know science believes what they see and makes sense. I know souls believe in miracles?
Will I heal having done my life's work, finally figuring out what I needed to get off my chest.
Ken Merrill, the gentleman who connected me to working for the Anaïs Nin Trust Foundation in the '90s said to me back then: "Don't wait until you are in your 60s and dying of cancer. Your audience is already out there."
Okay, I waited until I was 53 before I was brave enough to expose what I came here to share. Will finding out the world is quite fine, with my little acknowledgement about orgasm, heal me and give me renewed life?
I'll let you know.
My book is out. COURTING ME(N): Juggling Love, Lust, and Listening Within is available online at Amazon, and soon bookstores, academic facilities, or libraries can pick it up when they get the word. I'm still futzing around with pricing and the last few mistakes. But I've gotten used to hearing beloveds read it for the last 25 days. I've washed the baby. She's gotten her shots. She's starting to smile and giggle. She's alive and breathing just fine.
Sorry it took so long. I would really prefer 'word of mouth' to get the word out. My fantasy is that the right people will get it to professors teaching women's studies, human sexuality, and medicine 101. This is a spiritual book. It's a carrier pigeon. It will find its way home. Do I want this to get into the wrong hands who will ridicule my vulnerability? It's a chance I must take.
In order to release fear, we must breathe, and move forward. Taking that step now.