If 'Dear Abby' Gave the Girls of HBO's 'Girls' Some Advice...

Cast members, from left, Allison Williams, Zosia Mamet, Jemima Kirke and Lena Dunham attend the HBO premiere of "Girls" at th
Cast members, from left, Allison Williams, Zosia Mamet, Jemima Kirke and Lena Dunham attend the HBO premiere of "Girls" at the NYU Skirball Center on Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2013 in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

What follows is DUMPED's homage to the "Dear Abby" columnist, Pauline Phillips, who left this planet in January of 2013. Imagine if HBO's 'Girls' coming to her for advice, self-involved and dealing with their problematic Brooklyn lives and needing a bit of her most uncommon common sense...

Dear Abby,

Seriously, Abby, I had been a virgin for, like, forever. Like, 21 years. But now, there's this boy in my life. No, no, actually, he's completely a man. So, like, we had sex. And then we got to be pretty good at having sex. I'm 21. He's 33. And suddenly, OMG, this guy is at my house ALL the time. Staying over, like, every night. Um, I guess he is kind of living with me. No, he is completely living with me. And he can't pay for anything. He basically just admitted the other night that he has no other place to live, kind of. I don't know what to do. I'm kind of falling in love with him, but he kind of moved in without even asking. And that's not OK. I'm feeling used. But also feeling loved... at the same time. What to do, Abby? Kindly inform.

Yours truly,


Dear Shoshanna,

Take a deep breath in, darlin'... and a deeper breath out. Remember: It's one step at a time, Shoshanna. Do not let anyone rush you into anything. There is a substantial age difference here. And it sounds like you are, in fact, the more responsible partner. Congrats! Be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy your very first sex partner! Practice away on him! Adore the person that he is and your very first LOVE affair. But if you are feeling even slightly used now, just wait 'till the toilet seat is left up for the 110th time and he doesn't kick in for the rent! Cohabitation can be delightful, but you want to live with an equal partner, not a well-hung moocher. No offense, honey.

Dear Abby,

I just left my ridiculous husband of a few months. I wanted to give "getting grounded" a shot and put the hunt behind. But honestly, Abby... it was a disaster. I've always been a traveler, a lover, a wanderer, a free spirit who lived an edgy life full of experiences -- sexual and otherwise. Suddenly, I feel a tad empty and at a loss with it all. Any advice about starting over? How do I get my joie de vivre back?



Dear Jessa,

This may be the perfect time to dig a little deeper, sugar! Who doesn't love traveling, wandering and being a free spirit? But sometimes, a beautiful woman like yourself can use her seething sexuality as her only tool. I bet you got a lot more to give then that! Maybe it's the perfect time for you to think about what you are passionate about... besides the sexual escapades. That painting you are dabbling with? Take it to the next level! That peace you felt for a minute in your momentary domestic bliss -- it can be yours if you're not always measuring your worth by the new sexual notch in your belt. Tap into another richer. lasting power for this next chapter darlin'... happy exploring!

Dear Abby,

My life blew up this year. I lost this great job at an art gallery. I lost my sweet, loyal, pussy-whipped boyfriend of many years. And I lost my roomie/best friend because we've had more blow ups than I can count and -- OK, so I fucked her gay ex-boyfriend. It's been humbling. Recently, I got a job as a hostess, which I know is beneath me, but I needed the money. At the same time, I started dating this artist who is the IT guy in the industry, but who I don't feel worthy of because of my stupid hostess job. He's the kind of guy who takes charge and tells me what to do, and I like that, but it's so the opposite of my previous relationship, where I wore the pants. Should I dump my worthless job? Should I dump this new, self-involved artist? Will dumping the job help me feel better about my uber-successful artist boyfriend and as a result, more worthy?

Not Used to Being Confused,


Marnie, Dearest,

A bit of an extremist, are we? At least, when it comes to men, going from bossing around your walking, talking vagina boyfriend to dating a Macho Man Artist Powerhouse you feel you can't compete with.

I get that this year has been humbling... but let's take the good things you've learned and put them to work. You're more loose, more fun and you no longer need to be in total control of everything and everyone. All good! Happy accidents can occur in life. We're liking the idea of a successful artist guy in your life -- but be yourself and stand up to him! Quit the hostessing job. Your guts are right. As long as you keep that stupid job where your long gams are more important than your gorgeous, art lovin' brains, you'll let the new man rule you. Be yourself... the same feisty powerhouse you were with the first guy... and spread that Marnie wealth around! Power UP girl! Don't forget who you are!

Dear Abby,

I've just found out that my best friend and ex-roomie had sex with my ex-boyfriend. OK, he was gay, but that has nothing to do with it. I am furious, but I miss her, our closeness, and I think I want to repair our friendship. However, something has changed between us -- and I don't think that she even knows how to be a good friend. Should I work on repairing this friendship? On top of that, there's my ex, who basically stalks me, though I might still have feelings for him. And then, the other day, I hooked up with the ex-drug addict who lives downstairs... right after dumping a Republican I was sleeping with. Do I need to stay single? Do I go back to the stalker ex I may still be in love with?



Dearest Hannah,

I think it's time we work on being single, sweetie. Just for a moment. Your guts are telling you that you need time for yourself. You got memoirs to write, girl, and these guys of yours are suckin up a lot of air -- not to mention time. Dump the sweet ex-addict downstairs and keep away from your stalker ex for a while. You are not attracted to the easy, breezy kind... you like your drama. But for now, save the damn drama for your *#!*ing books, non?

As for your best pal: Work on it. Stop double-crossing eachother and take the space in that friendship to be kinder, to be healthier and to learn to really listen up. She has always been there for you, as imperfect as she is. That's more than you can say for these boy toys...

Maryjane Fahey is the coauthor with Caryn Beth Rosenthal of DUMPED, a breakup bible for women to get off their asses and over their exes in record time. AVAILABLE NOW. Find, tweet, facebook, whatever them... they're very friendly.