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He Calls Her a Nympho, She Just Wants a Connection. Should This Woman Leave?

Wanting to have lots of sex with your husband doesn't make a person a nympho. Women crave sex because they crave a connection.
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Read what this woman thinking of leaving her husband wrote to Divorced Girl Smiling:

I have been married for about 20 years and I'm thinking of separating. From the beginning my husband and I had different sex drives. Me always wanting more. My husband works a lot, which is good and bad. I have been given more independence and have learned to do more on my own. But I miss the intimacy. He has often referred to me as a nympho.

I'm not going to share the whole letter, but rather summarize the situation. It seems that throughout the two decades, lack of sex in the relationship has been a huge issue. When she told her husband she wanted a separation last year, he agreed to go to counseling, but it was unsuccessful, in her opinion. They have a young daughter, so she is struggling on whether or not to pursue a divorce. "I want out, but I do not want to hurt my daughter or my husband or myself," she writes.

The first thing I want to address is "he has often referred to me as a nympho." This is very offensive to me, as I'm sure it was to her. It is hurtful and mean.

Wanting to have lots of sex with your husband doesn't make a person a nympho. Women crave sex because they crave a connection. Sure, sex feels good, but it isn't all physical. In fact, it is mostly emotional. The fact that her husband doesn't want sex could be attributed to several things.

Maybe he's just not a sexual person. Or, maybe he cheats. Another possibility is, maybe he has intimacy issues or physical issues, like erectile dysfunction and is too embarrassed to face it. Or, maybe he doesn't feel a connection to his wife, or maybe there is some resentment that stems from things that have gone on in the marriage in the past or presently.

What is noteworthy is that his lack of interest in sex started at the beginning of the marriage. It makes me wonder why he got married in the first place. I'm not saying that married couples have to have sex every day. But the idea of being in a marriage or in a committed relationship is that the couple works together every single day to keep the commitment on-track by keeping both people happy. And that means doing things that makes the other happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

What I'm saying is, if this man truly loves his wife and is committed to her, he should have been making an effort to giving her what she needs from the beginning. And maybe if he's just a person who isn't really into sex, maybe she needs to accept that, and expect a little bit less. The bottom line is, they (like any married couple) should be bending over backwards to make each other happy. And that could mean more sex than he wants or a little bit less than she wants. It's all about coming to a common ground of understanding and pleasing each other in all kinds of ways.

I think lack of sex drives a couple apart, as it causes them to feel disconnected emotionally. That is what it seems like has happened here. It's such a shame, because how difficult is it to give your spouse some physical attention when he or she needs it? Not that difficult. You take off your clothes and you make love to the person you loved enough to marry. Unless he or she has done things that have caused you not to want that physical intimacy. Then there are a whole other set of issues going on that need to be addressed.

I truly feel for this woman because no one wants to get divorced. But she is hurting and living a lonely existence. I can't tell her what to do, but I will say this to her: You are not a nympho. You are a woman who wants to make love with your husband. That is normal. Healthy, actually. You are not at fault and you should not feel like you are doing something wrong by wanting sex from your husband. Leave or stay? It's a tough call, but one thing is for sure. This lack of sex issue has to be addressed. I mean really addressed and dealt with one way or the other. Which means, the two of you have to talk about it. Whether on your own or with a therapist.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.