Welcome to Headline Hangover - our weekly take on some of the ridiculous local, national and global news stories.
Here's a look back some of the headlines that caught my attention for the week of August 7, 2016:
With his wins so far in Rio, Michael Phelps now has 22 career Olympic gold medals.
In the spirit of fair competition, the International Olympic Committee has just announced that Phelps will be required to swim his final races while wearing all of his gold medals.
The Olympics are about people who've put in a lifetime of hard work, commitment & sacrifice ...so that they can then lose to Michael Phelps.
Donald Trump said this week that maybe "2nd Amendment people" could do something to prevent Hillary Clinton's Supreme Court picks, which hinted at encouraging an assassination attempt against his rival.
Luckily for Clinton, Cyberdyne makes bulletproof models.
It's only weakness is balloons.
Trump (again. ...sorry)
A man scaled Trump Tower in New York this week, using suction cups to climb the mid-town building.
Trump was heard yelling "God damnit!" as he threw his all-glass border wall blueprints into the trash
"Cancel the glass order. Invoice the Mexicans anyway, though."
Headlines around the globe on Friday read that Vladimir Putin has "sacked" his chief of staff, Sergei Ivanov.
...and there is legitimate concern that Putin has removed a certain part of Ivanov's body.
The Yankees and Alex Rodriguez held a press conference on Sunday, announcing A-Rod's retirement. The Yankees agreed to pay him his remaining cash to, pretty much, just go away.
Which is the Derek-Jeter-post-sex-gift-basket of actual baseball.
"Uh, A-Rod, you need to go. Here, take $27 million. We'll call a cab."