I have a master's degree in education, traveled the world, written numerous articles, have hundreds of friends and taught kids for about 15 years; however, there is one thing I haven't learned, and that is how to heal my scarred heart.
I have learned how to get up when I fall down, be nice to the people who have hurt me and to put on an act of strength when Im falling apart from within. But I still cant seem to forget about the wounds of the past.
I have learned to live in the moment and enjoy every day as it comes, yet my mind takes me back to the times when I was hurt and manipulated.
When I talk to people about healing, I always get different perspectives. I've flipped through the pages of many self help books and have read the quotes of numerous wise people, but there seemed to be no fast cure for a tormented heart.
Sometimes I was told to let it all out and just cry until find peace. Crying was easy; I knew I could do that. When I tried, I ended up crying for around 2-3 days and it still didn't help. All it did was just give me a migraine and upset my children.
Others told me to face it, visualize the person who had hurt you and imagine that you are telling them how you feel. I tried that but it just didn't feel right. I couldn't get a visual of the person I had my issues with. It was difficult and it kind of terrified me. To go back and visualize events and people who were so hurtful didn't really work.
I was then told by someone to just forgive silently. Talk to yourself inside your heart, forgive and the healing should start. That practice did help a bit and a few weeks later something happened and triggered a memory that made me realize I was still much scarred.
I then started meditation and daily affirmations. They seemed to be working and I felt good about myself, but I still hurt from inside. I just wasn't healing.
I even tried hypnotism, but no I didn't get hypnotized so it really didn't help anything.
And then something very important dawned on me. The way pain isn't a feeling that comes from one moment the same way healing isn't a one-moment process. Healing is a daily practice, the way pain accompanies us in our daily life. When we start out as kids we try our best to heal from our childhood trauma (whatever it is) and life continues to throw more pain at us. The older we get the pain of our past and our present stick together and keep growing in our heart like a tumor. The only way we can heal from the pain is constant awareness on a conscious level. To talk to yourself everyday to heal the wounds of the past and the ones that will come up in the future. I think our hearts warn us about the triggers, like for me if I interact with a bully I know I'll be hurt, as the trauma of being bullied as a child comes back to haunt me. So I have realized to move forward and heal, I need to look back and be aware.
And it came to me finally -- I will never be fully healed from my emotional scars. They are as much a part of me as my hair or my eyes are. All I can do is be aware, embrace them, face them, and then keep them close to me. It is pain that makes me sensitive towards others, it is pain who keeps my ego in check and it is pain that makes me the person I am!
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